Another Star Wars talkshow!
by Lady Celebare
Summary: Yes, I know it's unoriginal, but my last unoriginal SW fic did really well so... here's another one! Step into the Talk Show room and ask questions of your favorite Star Wars characters from Episodes I, II, IV, V, ancd VI! PG-13 for bishounen mobbing
1. Beware of Anakin

Blade: Welcome to Tal Celebare, the Tower of Silver Sunlight!  
  
(from offstage) What does that have to do with Star Wars??  
  
Blade: Uh… (under her breath) Nothing except I'm gonna fire you if you don't keep your trap shut!  
  
(guy from offstage) Uh… eheh…  
  
Blade: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, welcome to Tal Celebare, home of the wacky interviews! This time I've decided to opt for a more popular subject… hopefully this will go better than my 'Ringtalk'. This is one of those crazy fanfics in which you, the reader, ask the questions! This fanfiction depends on you! So, without further ado, please welcome our guests! Tonight we're proud to welcome The One, the only, Anakin Skywalker!  
  
Anakin: (walks out onstage to the cheers and swoonings of various fangirls)  
  
Blade: And here's his Master and my favorite Star Wars character, Obi-Wan Kenobi!  
  
Obi-Wan: (gets more cheers and squeals along with some 'we love you Kenobi!')  
  
Blade: (waits for the noise to die down) Here's the ever-popular Green- skinned Jedi Master, Yoda!  
  
Yoda: (floats onstage)  
  
Blade: Also on tonight we have the last of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker!  
  
Luke: (walks onstage, then looks around, puzzled) Who are they? (indicates Obi-Wan and Anakin)  
  
Blade: Your father and your deceased Jedi master. Now sit down.  
  
Luke: O.o (sits, casting disturbed glances in Obi-Wan and Anakin's direction)  
  
Blade: I'm getting tired of intros, so please welcome the rest of our guests!  
  
(Han Solo, Chewbacca, C3P0, R2D2, Watto, Leia, and Amidala walk onstage)  
  
Amidala: (to Leia) Leia, I am your mother…  
  
Leia: ??  
  
Amidala: Sorry, I've always wanted to say that…  
  
Blade: All right, on to the questi-  
  
Anakin: (mock-sighs) Too bad Satine couldn't make it…  
  
Obi-Wan: (eyes well up) S-s-s-satine? (starts crying) Satine!  
  
Blade: Skywalker! What'd you do that for??  
  
Anakin: No reason…  
  
Blade: You cheer him up right now, mister!  
  
Anakin: Make me.  
  
Blade: (clears throat) I have here the plot for an NC-17 Watto/Anakin slash fanfiction-  
  
Anakin: All right! I'll stop him! Just… eeech… (to Obi-Wan) Cheer up, Master. I'm sure she's up in heaven with Qui-Gon having lots of fun-  
  
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon! (cries harder)  
  
Blade: …I will kill you, Skywalker, and your little son too.  
  
Luke: O.o' I didn't do anything!  
  
Blade: -.- I think we should go to the questions now…  
  
  
  
A/N: Ok, guys, this is where you step in! Ask questions! Be wacky with them! If I don't get enough questions, I can't continue… as soon as I get the questions, I'll write chapter 2! 


	2. Look sir, droids!

Blade: I'm almost afraid to start the questions, but… (examines her list of questioners) All right, let's start off with Jacinta Kenobi. (holds a microphone out to the said reviewer)  
  
Jacinta Kenobi: Okay, here's a question for you, Blade. How did you get all the characters from different time lines together?  
  
Blade: I'm a writer. Writers are gods. :p  
  
Jacinta Kenobi: To Obi-Wan: Cheer up! It's ok. Just think, Anakin will kill you soon, (well, another 20 years...but that isn't too long!), and then you can be with Satine and Qui-Gon and Cerasi too! *thinks* Oops...shouldn't have mentioned her, should I....ANYWAY, my question IS.....How old are you now? My second and more important question is....Anakin plug your ears....Do you and Am REALLY have something going on, Obi? *raises eyebrow.*  
  
Obi-Wan: (eyes well up again) C-c-cerasi! (is about to cry, then realizes what Jacinta said in the rest of the question) Anakin will kill me soon? Why didn't I hear about this?? (eyes Anakin suspiciously)  
  
Anakin: What??  
  
Obi-Wan: As to my age, a Jedi never reveals his age. And I have nothing 'going on' with Am… not after what she and my Padawan do together (shudders)  
  
Anakin: Hehehe…  
  
Amidala: (blush)  
  
  
  
Jacinta Kenobi: To Anakin: Hey, good job torturing Ob, but you might wanna lighten up for your own sake. My question for you is...Whatever possessed you and Am to have kids? There is a thing called BIRTH control, and we all would have been spared a lot of Luke aggravation if you'd used it.  
  
Anakin: What is this… beeeerth controle you speak of? I do not know of any such thing.  
  
Luke: Luke aggravation?? What is this, pick on me day?  
  
Blade: It gets worse.  
  
Luke: …-.-  
  
Jacinta Kenobi: To Han: How do you put up with Leia?  
  
Han: Lots and lots of liquor.  
  
Jacinta Kenobi: To Leia: How do you put up with Han?  
  
Leia: I don't.  
  
Jacinta Kenobi: To Amidala: Having fun yet?  
  
Amidala: (looks up from raiding the muffin platter) Mmf?  
  
Blade: O.o Before Amidala eats all of the muffins… let's hear from our next reviewer! (Holds microphone out to Zpan Sven)  
  
Zpan Sven: Question for Luke: What do you think of being around the younger versions of Kenobi and your father? Also, Anakin, how do you feel meeting with your grown-up son and daughter?  
  
Luke: I am… very frightened… very, very frightened… especially since they each have more fansites than me and Han combined! (glowers)  
  
Anakin: What son?? I have no son!!  
  
Obi-Wan: (whacks Anakin on the head)  
  
Anakin: What was that for??  
  
Obi-Wan: It was from tenshiamanda.  
  
Anakin: …(rubs sore spot)  
  
Serra Duchi: To Anakin: How does it feel knowing you will one day kill Obi- Wan?  
  
Anakin: (glowers) At the moment it seems like a likely possibility.  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o;  
  
Serra Duchi: To Obi: Ever miss Bant? Or Siri? Or Cerasi? Or...  
  
Obi-Wan: A Jedi tries not to miss anyone… (sniffles) Can someone hand me a tissue?  
  
Blade: sure. (gives Obi-Wan a box of Episode II edition Kleenex) All right, Anyathe, it's your turn.  
  
Anyathe: For Obi-Wan: How in the hell could you put up with that whiner Luke? You are so much sexier than he is. What's the go?  
  
Obi-Wan: I have only one thing to say about that… (starts singing) I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy for this movie, too sexy for this movie-  
  
Anakin: (rolls eyes)  
  
Obi-Wan: …(composes self again)  
  
Anyathe: For Anakin: Do you realize that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be as sexy as Kenobi?  
  
Anakin: Hey! I'm the hot male actor in episode II, not him! (pouts)  
  
Anyathe: For Luke: You need a haircut and a new wardrobe. Comprende?  
  
Luke: But… all great sand farmers wear this stuff! And I thought my hair was in style…  
  
Anakin: (sniggers)  
  
Luke: …can it, shorty.  
  
Anakin: Hey, I'm your father!  
  
Luke: Sure you are. I've heard that one before.  
  
Blade: O.o  
  
Anyathe: For Padme: You choose Anakin over Kenobi? What is with you, girl? You chose a boy over a real man?  
  
Amidala: I just act the script, not write it…  
  
Anakin: What??  
  
Obi-Wan: Hah!  
  
Anakin: …(whispers) Satine!  
  
Obi-Wan: (lip trembles)  
  
Blade: (clears throat again and holds up the NC-17 slash fic plot)  
  
Anakin: O.o (gulp)  
  
Blade: All right, now that that's cleared up… Sailor Elysion, ask away!  
  
Elysion: Anakin will you marry me? And if not can I marry Luke instead? MUAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAa  
  
Anakin: I marry Amidala and have two children. No, you may not marry me. As for Luke… you can, but do you really want to?  
  
Luke: …I have a bad feeling about this fanfiction…  
  
Blade: On to MordorianNazgul!  
  
MordorianNazgul: To Watto: How could you put up with Anakin? Didn't he break things?  
  
Watto: Finally, a question for-a me! Yes, the boy-a did-a break-a lotsa things, but he paid for them with sweat-a.  
  
MordorianNazgul: To Obi-Wan: First, I'd like to apologize on the behalf of your padawan, seeing as how he's making things worse. Anyway, my question is how can you CURRENTLY put up with Anakin? And how are you going to deal with the entire "my padawan has gone to the Dark Side" thing?  
  
Obi-Wan: I have a tough time currently putting up with Anakin, especially since he got a hold of a copy of Moulin Rouge…  
  
Anakin: (sniggers)  
  
Obi-Wan: I make him do a lot of meditating. Oh, yes, and I've prescribed several medications for him. I keep a tranquilizer gun handy at all times, too. I think Anakin has already gone to the dark side… it's only a matter of time before he kills us all.  
  
MordorianNazgul: To Han: How can you put up with Leia? Or Luke, for that matter?  
  
Han: The things I do for money…  
  
MordorianNazgul: To Yoda: Is it true that old Jedi don't die, they just fade away?  
  
Yoda: Powerful Jedi fade away. Jedi like Luke… not so much.  
  
Luke: …  
  
MordorianNazgul: To Anakin: How can you live with the idea that you're just not as cute as Obi-Wan?  
  
Anakin: I don't need to be cute. I'm sexy. So there!  
  
MordorianNazgul: To Amidala: How does it feel being the same age as your kids? Are you aware that kissed each other? On the lips? Probably with tongue? *questioning look*  
  
Amidala: Finally, a real – if somewhat disturbing – question. I like the way Leia turned out, but Luke…  
  
Luke: I know, I know, not so much!  
  
Amidala: you need a haircut, dear.  
  
Leia: Hey! There was no tongue involved in that kiss! It was a kiss on the cheek, for luck!  
  
Han: You kissed him??  
  
Luke: Haha!  
  
Anakin: Great, incest… (claps hand to his forehead)  
  
Blade: Next, we have some questions from MaraJade.  
  
MaraJade: To Anakin: Why don't you say more mean things to Obi-Wan?  
  
Anakin: I try, I really do, but it's hard to find good material these days.  
  
MaraJade: To Obi: When are you going to get married?  
  
Obi-Wan: A Jedi must not know love.  
  
Anakin: He's still hurtin' from Sat-  
  
Blade: (narrows eyes)  
  
Anakin: Uh… never mind.  
  
Blade: Good boy.  
  
MaraJade: To Luke: Why did you get married to Mara Jade? Are you willing to get a divorce?  
  
Luke: Because she was there, and no.  
  
MaraJade: To Yoda: Is it easy being green?  
  
Yoda: Easy it is, yes.  
  
Blade: And here's the last reviewer of the chapter, biblehermione  
  
Biblehermione: *evil laugh* To Anakin: Your rightful name is...ANI! Anywhoops, why did you never just use your Force powers to escape?  
  
Anakin: I am not Ani! I am Anakin, soon to be Darth Vader! And anyway, I didn't know I had the Force until Qui- uh, I mean… that bearded guy picked me up.  
  
biblehermione: To Obi: What is it like to have masses of fangirls? Although I am not one, I promise, there are girls who lick pictures of you. It's scary...  
  
Obi-Wan: I find it flattering, as long as they aren't licking pictures of old me. Then they're just disturbing.  
  
Biblehermione: To Leia: What do you think of Wookiees?  
  
Leia: I'd like one for a carpet.  
  
Chewbacca: Rrrrowrf!  
  
Biblehermione: To Amidala: What do you do in your spare time?  
  
Amidala: I like to arrange floral designs and draw pretty landscapes.  
  
Biblehermione: Yoda: Do you ever read? And if so, what is your favorite book?  
  
Yoda: Read all the time, I do. My favorite book is… The Hobbit.  
  
Biblehermione: C-3PO: Why are you so...Funny?  
  
C-3P0: Funny? I beg your pardon?  
  
Biblehermione: R2-D2: Does 3PO ever make you want to pound him into the ground?  
  
R2D2: Beep bee beop!  
  
C3P0: Excuse me? What do you mean you wish you had a mortar cannon?  
  
Biblehermione: Chewbacca: How tall are you, and what is your opinion on Leia?  
  
Chewbacca: Rrrowrf! Rrrorwr!  
  
C3P0: Master Chewbacca says that he is taller than you are, and that he thinks Princess Leia is a- Oh my, I can't repeat that sort of language in a PG-rated fanfiction!  
  
Chewbacca: (chuffing laughter)  
  
Biblehermione: Han: Why do you love the Falcon so much?  
  
Han: Because, unlike my wife, she doesn't talk back.  
  
Leia: Pig.  
  
Biblehermione: Watto: Ever think of shaving?  
  
Watto: I beg-a your-a pardon, I think-a this beard is-a very-a flattering!  
  
Blade: Well, that's all for today's installment. Keep on questioning for chapter 2! Thanks to all who reviewed, you're great! 


	3. No disintigrations!

Blade: Hoo boy, that last chapter was interesting… I fear for the guest stars, though.  
  
Anakin: Hehehe… (holds up a CD player with the Moulin Rouge soundtrack in it)  
  
Blade: O.o Skywalker! Don't you dare-  
  
Anakin: (turns on 'One day I'll fly away' really, really loudly) (evil)  
  
Obi-Wan: (starts bawling)  
  
Blade: This is getting old… Anakin, if you don't turn that off right now, I'm telling your… uh… (lamely) I'm telling Yoda.  
  
Anakin: …(bursts out laughing)  
  
Blade: (rolls up sleeves) You asked for it, you little brat-of-a-Jedi… (clear throat) Watto and Anakin tared lu-  
  
Anakin: O.O Ok, ok! I'm done! (throws CD player off the stage)  
  
Blade: Thank you. On to the first question.  
  
Narchannen Fae: Hey! I like this alot...and i do have a question for obi- wan. If all great jedi dissaperar when they die how come Qui-Gon didn't but you did? I realized this as i am having a star wars marathon. Luke is ugly compared to the younger Obi-Wan *drool*  
  
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon had a purpose even in death! He was a symbol of bravery and loyalty and compassion-  
  
Yoda: Yes, but a rebel he was! Did he many great things, but you did many more.  
  
Obi-Wan: I beg your pardon?  
  
Yoda: An old secret it is. When you are older, all will be explained.  
  
Obi-Wan: …  
  
Luke: I am not ugly! And I'm having a hard time grasping this concept of Obi-Wan as… hot… (shudders)  
  
Obi-Wan: Watch it!  
  
Blade: Next question, before someone gets killed…  
  
SaturnRiddle: Obi-Wan: I love you so much! MARRY ME DAMMIT!! if you say no I will be forced to use my Jedi-Mind powers on you! I am Satine..I'm back from the dead....I love you...I want to marry you....o.O  
  
Obi-Wan: (hopefully) Satine? Wait a minute… dead people don't just come alive again! I read it in this book (Holds up Harry Potter book 4)  
  
Anakin: O.o  
  
SaturnRiddle: Luke: you suck. you're annoying. you're ugly. get a life. don't kiss your sister. it's nasty! Anikin, who cares if he's your son! YOU SHOULD'VE LET PALPATINE (aka the old crusty crack/cocaine/any other drug addict who's being held together by nothing but super glue) KILL HIM! actually, after you killed Palpatine, you should've just killed Luke. its not like anyone likes him anyway!  
  
Luke: But-  
  
Leia: For the last time, it was a brotherly kiss! Gyaah!  
  
Luke: (Sniffles) I'm not annoying…  
  
Yoda: annoying you are, yeeees…  
  
Luke: …  
  
Anakin: I may turn out to be a savage, cruel, heartless monster who delights in killing small mammals, but I couldn't let him get electrocuted… I was going to throw him on something sharp, but the electricity fried my circuits, and I momentarily lapsed into insanity. And then… I died.  
  
SaturnRiddle: Amidala/Leia: how do you get your hair into those cool styles? and who does your hair?  
  
Amidala: My handmaidens do my hair.  
  
Leia: The key is hairspray. Lots and lots of hairspray.  
  
SaturnRiddle: Watto: you are ugly. you should go get plastic surgery.  
  
Watto: I'v-a already-a had plastic surgery. How do you think-a I got-a so handsome?  
  
Everyone else: O.o  
  
SaturnRiddle: Anikin: YOU LEAVE MY DEAREST BEN-oops I mean Obi-Wan ALONE! WHY DID YOU KILL HIM? YOU COULD'VE DONE EVERYONE A FAVOR BY KILLING LUKE BUT YOU KILLED EVERYONE'S FAV. CHARACTER INSTEAD! why??  
  
Anakin: (is thrown off of his chair by the decibel level of the question, then gets mobbed by rabid fangirls)  
  
Blade: Hey! Off the stage! (breaks out a big anime mallet and whacks all of the rabid fangirls off of the Jedi)  
  
Anakin: (looking rather ruffled) Uh… sorry? (cowers from SaturnRiddle)  
  
Obi-Wan: Excellent work, SaturnRiddle. Can you take him with you? Please?  
  
Blade: Well, that's all for today's show- (steps in something) O.o A pile of… fangirl goo? Uh, can we get a cleanup on aisle 6?  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o wow, that's handy. I didn't know I could do that.  
  
Blade: Until next ti- (gets knocked over by a big spaceship crashing through the wall) Ow… What in the Force-  
  
Boba Fett: I will take you all captive now.  
  
Blade: O.o Uh… Mr. Fett! How… glad I am to see you?  
  
Boba Fett: What?  
  
Blade: If you could sit down in that chair, I'll… uh…. Tie up the captives for you (nervously grins and shoves Boba Fett into a chair)  
  
Boba Fett: What the-  
  
Blade: (bolts Fett to the chair) Hah! Now I've got one more guest star to tort- er, I mean, question.  
  
Fett: …  
  
Blade: (dusts hands off) Now, before anything else comes crashing through the walls… Goodnight everyone! 


	4. Use the Force, Fett!

Blade: And the insanity continues…  
  
Anakin: (hurls an Obi-Wan 3d star viewer in front of Blade)  
  
Blade: Ooo, Obi-Wan… (goes after the viewer and holds it up to the light) Ooo, 3D…  
  
Anakin: Well, that takes care of the hostess… I'll run this show now. (grabs the microphone that Blade continently dropped at his feet) Let's see… who should I pick… Jedi Knight 666! You look like an Anakin fan. What are your questions?  
  
Jedi Knight 666: To Anakin: After you teasing Obi-Wan, I have one question: Will you marry me, I like evil guys, and you're cute!  
  
Anakin: I don't marry rabid fangirls. Next question!  
  
Jedi Knight 666: To Luke: I still like you, I think you're cool and you're my favorite OT character!  
  
Luke: Thank you, finally someone who doesn't want me dead! (stands up and does a little dance)  
  
Leia, Obi-Wan, and Anakin: O.o  
  
Luke: o.o (coughs politely and sits back down)  
  
Jedi Knight 666: To Obi-Wan: I think you're cute too, but what's with the beard?  
  
Obi-Wan: It's to remind me of Qui-Gon's untimely fate.  
  
Jedi Knight 666: To Yoda: Are you related to Kermit the Frog?  
  
Yoda: My third cousin he is, yes.  
  
Jedi Knight 666: To Han: Can I borrow the Falcon?  
  
Han: No! No one can touch my precious Falcon! My precious, yess…  
  
Leia: O.o  
  
Jedi Knight 666: To Boba Fett:Can I hire you to assasinate the wife of a really cute guy *gestures to Amidala*?  
  
Boba Fett: Certainly. (aims gun at Amidala)  
  
Anakin: O.O (breaks out lightsaber and blocks the blast)  
  
Boba Fett: Dratted Jedi… (gets into a duel with Anakin)  
  
Yoda: (levitates the microphone to himself) Host I will be. Next question I want. Starslash36 is next.  
  
StarSlash36: To Leia: Where did the cinnamon buns go?  
  
Leia: I ate them. (polite burp)  
  
Starslash36: To Boba: Dude, why don't you just use the pulse cannon to get through those bonds? It's voice activates and on your wrist!  
  
Boba Fett: (at the moment is attempting to gut Anakin with a vibroblade knife) Oh yeah, huh… (gets kicked in the jaw) Ow!  
  
Anakin: Hah! Take that! (slices at Fett)  
  
StarSlash36: To Leia: Why the hell did you name yur third son after the imbecile sitting near you, Ankain?  
  
Leia: They drugged me up and I wasn't in my right state of mind. His real name was supposed to be Bob. Bob the alien.  
  
StarSlash36: To Luke: I think that you and Mara Jade are a great couple  
  
Luke: Why thank you.  
  
StarSlash36: To Chewie: Why does Kashyyyk have three 'y's?  
  
Chewie: Rrowwf!  
  
C3P0: Master Chewbacca says that Kashyyk has three 'y's because he said so. (turns to Chewie) I don't think that grammar is entirely correct.  
  
Chewie: Rrrf.  
  
StarSlash36: To Han: Did you ever get high off your smuggled spice?  
  
Han: Yes, frequently.  
  
Yoda: Good, spice is, yes. Dragonlet, ask your question you will.  
  
Dragonlet: first of all, in Empire Strikes Back, Luke and Leia DO french. she does it to make Han jealous. my question:Ok, ani, if my Obi is the closest thing you have to a father, WHY DO YOU KILL HIM??????????????????????? I shall now kill you for killing my Obi! PS, Obi- Wan, will you marry me? i'd make a great wife!  
  
Everyone: (stares at Leia)  
  
Leia: Um… eheheh…  
  
Luke: It wasn't my fault.  
  
Han: That's what they all say, Kid.  
  
Anakin: (in a creepy voice) It was his destiny.  
  
Obi-Wan: A Jedi must not know love! I can't love! Wait a minute…  
  
Anakin: (in a falsetto, fluttering his eyelashes obnoxiously) Can't love, why that's terrible!  
  
Obi-Wan: …-.-  
  
Han: (gives Yoda some glitterstim spice)  
  
Yoda: (eats it and starts hallucinating) Big bird I see. Big bird and Grover.  
  
Obi-Wan: (grabs the microphone before Han can get it) Your turn, biblehermione.  
  
Biblehermione: Boba:*Mainiac laughter* CURLY! Your true name is CURLY! BWAHAHAHA! Umm...What do you think of *dun dun dun!* hair striaghtener?  
  
Boba Fett: Huh? (turns around, and gets knocked unconscious by Anakin)  
  
Biblehermione: Luke: Your not annoying! I happen to think your cool! *hug*  
  
Luke: I got hugged! I got hugged! In your face, father!  
  
Anakin: …  
  
Biblehermione: Luke and Anakin: Isn't it weird how you 2 look sooooo much alike?  
  
Luke: (looks at Anakin)  
  
Anakin: (looks at Luke)  
  
Both: I'm insulted! He's ugly!  
  
Anakin: Watch your mouth, young man!  
  
Luke: 'Young man'??  
  
Anakin: Don't make me ground you.  
  
Luke: …(bursts out laughing)  
  
Anakin: -.-  
  
Biblehermione: Leia and Amidala: Isn't it weird how YOU two look a lot alike?  
  
Leia and Amidala: We use the same hair spray.  
  
Biblehermione: Obi-Wan: Don't worry about Satine. She's in your heart and spirit. You'll see her again one day! *BIG hug*  
  
Obi-Wan: (gets all teary-eyed) Why… thank you. (hugs back)  
  
Audience: Awwww! How sweet!  
  
Anakin: Yeah, he'll see her when I kill him…  
  
Obi-Wan: You ruined the moment!  
  
Anakin: Why yes… yes I did.  
  
Biblehermione: Chewbacca: What do you think of chewy candy?  
  
Chewie: Mmmmm  
  
C3P0: Master Chewbacca says-  
  
Boba Fett: (wakes up and shoots C3P0)  
  
Everyone else: Yeah! You go, Fett!  
  
Biblehermione: C-3PO and R2-D2: Is being a droid tough?  
  
R2D2: @#%$^&&^@$#  
  
C3P0's severed head: R2 says-  
  
Luke: (slices C3P0's head in half)  
  
Everyone: You rule, Luke!  
  
Luke: (beams)  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, that concludes today's edition of the Talkshow… join us next time, and hopefully we'll have 3P0 repaired. (goes to walk off the stage and gets mobbed by fans) Gah! Help! 


	5. So you want to be a Jedi?

Obi-Wan: (pulling himself out of a pile of fangirls – who have torn his precious Jedi robe to pieces – and looking rather bedraggled) On to today's edition of the Star Wars talkshow! (looks over his shoulder and sees the fangirls pursuing him) Gaah! Security!  
  
(Security Wookiees come onstage and block the rabid fangirls)  
  
Obi-Wan: Phew…  
  
Blade: (finishes looking at the 3D star pic) Pretty… (sees Obi-Wan with her precious microphone) Mine! (tackles Obi-Wan around the ankles, knocking him over backwards and sending the microphone flying)  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o  
  
Blade: Hehehe, this is a fun place to be… but I have other jobs to do (sighs, gets up, dusts self off, and takes microphone)  
  
Obi-Wan: (stands up and moves over to his chair, looking very frightened)  
  
Blade: Ah, my microphone… our first questioner of the chapter is Felicia!  
  
Felicia: Yoda: Could you please say to Kermit that he has the cutest little green feet I've ever seen?  
  
Yoda: Tell him I will, yes. Afraid he will be! (cackles)  
  
Felicia: Anakin: You are miles better than Obi - Wan. YOU will save the universe together with your son someday not he.  
  
Luke: (beams)  
  
Anakin: I want to own the universe, not save it…  
  
Luke: …  
  
Felicia: Amidala: You are cool and beautiful and wise... but your daughter got somehow... strange. (Just my opinion.)  
  
Amidala: It was all Anakin's fault. If they were Obi-Wan's kids-  
  
Anakin: What??  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o; (sweatdrops)  
  
Amidala: (whistles innocently)  
  
Anakin: (glares daggers at Obi-Wan)  
  
Felicia: Luke: I love you and I want to marry you! *runs on the stage, hugs Luke and kisses him wildly*  
  
Luke: (taken off-guard) Mmf!  
  
Everyone Else: O.o  
  
Blade: Unfortunately, I can't let you drag my guest star away, Felicia. You can have him after the show.  
  
Luke: Wha-  
  
Blade: Shh! Now we've got questions from my little sister… who randomly popped into this fic… O.o  
  
Keno Charo: Luke – You stink. Everyone who likes you is crazy. You're a whiner, you smell, and you're ugly compared to Obi-Wan.  
  
Blade: Is that a question…?  
  
Keno: No.  
  
Blade: Ok, just wanted to clear that up.  
  
Luke: (eyes well up) I'm so unloved!  
  
Keno: Of course you are.  
  
Obi-Wan: Ooo, heartless… I like it.  
  
Anakin: O.o (edges away from Obi-Wan)  
  
Obi-Wan: Whaaat?  
  
Keno: Anakin – why did you have a son? And why did you have to have it with Amidala?? Look at the results!  
  
Anakin: Who was I supposed to have him with, a wookiee??  
  
Keno: NO ONE!  
  
Blade: You… scare people, Keno.  
  
Anakin: What?? I'm a guy! I have hormones! I-  
  
Obi-Wan: This isn't a biology lesson, my young apprentice. Save it.  
  
Anakin: (crosses arms grumpily)  
  
Keno: I'm done. (walks off)  
  
Blade: That was… interesting…  
  
Alec Flare: (nods) Very.  
  
Blade: ?? How did you get here??  
  
Alec: The Force works in mysterious ways…  
  
Blade: Uh… ok…  
  
Luke: (evil laughter) Four-eyes! Four-eyes!  
  
Yoda: Gave him my glitterstim spice I did, yes…  
  
Blade: So now Luke's high?  
  
Yoda: Yes.  
  
Blade: …this just keeps getting better and better…  
  
Alec: Let me be a host, pleeeease? (puppy eyes)  
  
Blade: Ok… (hands over the precious microphone)  
  
Alec: Sweet! All right, who shall I call on… hmm… you! Omega! Speak!  
  
Omega: Verry funny fic but 1 question though  
  
who the hell is Satine???? I don't know much about the EU.....  
  
I thought that Luminara Unduli and Obi-Wan liked each other???  
  
could be wrong  
  
I think that those questions are for Obi-Wan  
  
Obi-Wan: Satine is from Moulin Rouge, where I was Christian in another life (And I was rather good-looking, if I may say so-)  
  
Anakin: O.o uh, stop scaring me, Master.  
  
Omega: Anakin: Why are you evil?  
  
Anakin: Because, it's fun!  
  
Alec: Next reviewer! I choose you, biblehermione!  
  
Blade: This isn't pokemon, Alec!  
  
Alec: Eheh…  
  
Biblehermione: Yoda: Do you watch Blue's Clues?  
  
Yoda: Watch it I do, yes. Periwinkle, I like.  
  
Biblehermione: *hugs Obi again* Don't listen to Ani.  
  
*shreiks* ANI! YOU RUINED THE MOMENT! *chases Ani with her dark purple lightsaber* *whispers to Amidala* Don't worry, I'm just gonna hurt him a little. Not as bad as that volcano will though...GET BACK HERE!  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o  
  
Anakin: (sweatdrops and runs)  
  
Amidala: Watch out! There's a… volcano?? In the floor!  
  
Anakin: Wha- (falls in) Gaah!  
  
Pink-and-purple Dragon: (Flies Anakin to safety)  
  
Blade: What the-  
  
Luke: (giggles) Pink dragon!  
  
Blade: O.o my god, it's a product of Luke Skywalker's drugged imagination!  
  
Anakin: O.o  
  
Blade: This fanfic is getting too weird…  
  
Alec: (nods) uh… next question…  
  
Anna Skywalker: To Yoda: are you sure it's appropiate for a Jedi Knight to be getting high on spice?  
  
Yoda: On the council I am. Decide, we will, what is right and what is not. (snorts more spice)  
  
Mace Windu: Spice?? Where??  
  
Blade: How the heck did you get here??  
  
Mace Windu: I took a speeder.  
  
Blade: Oh. That explains a lot.  
  
Anna Skywalker: To Anakin: how can I learn to podrace? ^_^  
  
Anakin: I'm the only human who can do it (sticks out tongue)  
  
Amidala: O.o wow, my boyfriend's a brat…  
  
Han: That would explain my wife…  
  
Leia: Hey!  
  
Anna Skywalker: To Luke and Obi-Wan: can i be a Jedi? please? My school is corrupt and boring. i learn absolutly nothing of use there. Learning to be a Jedi seems more...worthwhile  
  
Luke: (starts singing) He met with Luke and Obi-Wan about the Millenium Falcon, docking bay 94, stormtroopers at the door-  
  
Obi-Wan: Someone kill him… please…  
  
Anakin: Gladly! (jumps up, lightsaber in hand)  
  
Luke: (drunkenly) With a flash of Ben's lightsaber, now there's an arm on the floor! (flings arms out, whacking Anakin in the gut and winding him)  
  
Anakin: Oof! (doubles up)  
  
Amidala: Gee, just a few inches lower and-  
  
Anakin: (painfully) Don't give him any ideas…  
  
Keno: (jumps in) Oo! Oo! Pick me!  
  
Alec: But… you abused me in a fanfiction!  
  
Keno: I did?  
  
Alec: No… but it's fun to pretend.  
  
Keno: I will kill you all! I am the dark- never mind. (sits down) I have a question for Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes?  
  
Keno: Did you really like Satine? And if you did, I thought Jedi couldn't know love. And can you please sing that song for me? I love it! And how do you like the idea of having Ron be you?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, not possessive love, no, I don't do requests, and What in the Force??  
  
Blade: Ron is Christian in the Gryffindor Rouge.  
  
Obi-Wan: Ah.  
  
Alec: Next questioner, and no, Keno, you may not ask anything else!  
  
Keno: Aww…  
  
SaturnRiddle: HAHAHAHA!! yay now we get to torture Boba! Ooh! LEMME ASK HIM A QUESTION! (beware Miss Celebare, this is in Ep II)  
  
Boba: what was it like to pick up your father's severed head? and did his head ever fall out?  
  
Blade: (covers ears and dances around) Lalalaaa, I can't heeeear you!  
  
Boba Fett: I thought it was fun. Severed heads… (giggles maniacally)  
  
SaturnRiddle: Obi-Wan: I happen to be able to talk to the dead. Would you like me to tell Satine how much you love her and miss her? Maybe I can get her ghost to visit you.  
  
Obi-Wan: Really?? Would you?? Please?? Oh, joy! (dances around like a happy schoolboy) Coooome what maaaaay! Coooome what maaaay!  
  
Keno: Yay! He's singing it!  
  
Obi-Wan: (looks around) Erm… (sits down again) Sorry. (coughs politely)  
  
SaturnRiddle: Yoda: YOU KICK ASS!! I never expected you to, but you can kick major dark side ass!! how do you do it?!  
  
Yoda: Gatorade.  
  
SaturnRiddle: Watto: umm....you say you've had plastic surgery? *cough cough* yeh right *cough*  
  
Watto: I think-a I've-a been-a insulted, but I can't-a quite-a put-a my finger on it-a.  
  
SaturnRiddle: Miss Celebare: (I like to be formal with fellow authors) Is it possible for you to get Mace Windu in on this talk show?  
  
Blade: (points to Mace, who is now sharing a pipe of spice with Yoda)  
  
Alec: Well, that's all, I suppose… by the way, we at Tal Celebare don't advocate drug-use. Drugs are bad! Don't do drugs! And if you're curious as to who I am (read: you saw my name and went WTF??), read Blade's profile. 


	6. The PG-13 chapter

A/N: Let's all remember that Blade hasn't seen episode II… so please, keep the Episode II questions to a minimum. Also, in case you didn't notice, the rating of this fanfiction has jumped to PG-13. Just thought I'd warn you.  
  
  
  
Blade: Hey, did any of you see last night's 'Blind Date'?  
  
Anakin: I did! I watch that show all the time!  
  
Everyone: (stares at Anakin)  
  
Anakin: What??  
  
Blade: So, would you ever have sex in a tree, Anakin?  
  
Anakin: A tree, no. A speeder, maybe.  
  
Amidala: O.o  
  
Anakin: And I wouldn't have sex in an Elephant. That's bizarre.  
  
Obi-Wan: (rolls up sleeves) That's it, you're going down! (breaks out lightsaber)  
  
Anakin: Hah! You want a piece of this?? Come and get it! (whips out lightsaber and starts dueling)  
  
Blade: Hey! Break it up! No lightsaber duels in my talkshow tower!  
  
Anakin: When I last met you I was but a learner; but now I am the master!  
  
Obi-Wan: Only a master of idiocy, Skywalker! (jabs Anakin in the ribs)  
  
Anakin: Gah! (winces) not again…  
  
Blade: (steals Anakin's lightsaber) No fighting!  
  
Anakin: (whining) but he started it!  
  
Blade: He's also my favorite character (sticks tongue out)  
  
Anakin: (sulks)  
  
Obi-Wan: (beams)  
  
Blade: First question!  
  
Celestia Vitaria: Obi Wan- Will you marry me and dump that moron anakin? I'd make a much better apprentice than him, and besides, i won't kill you later on. *glares daggers at anakin*  
  
Obi-Wan: A Jedi can't marry his apprentice.  
  
Celestia Vitaria: to yoda-what was the deal with the walking stick after you kicked Dooku's *giggles at the name* sorry dark side arse?  
  
Yoda: Tired I was, yes. When 874 years old you reach, feel as good you will not!  
  
Celestia Vitaria: and luke, don't feel too bad. there are those of us out there who don't hate you. *hugs*  
  
Luke: Good, now I won't have to commit suicide.  
  
Kidd Fett: Before I start *Slaps Anakin with a trout* (just cause she felt like it)  
  
Anakin: O.o  
  
Kidd Fett: To Obi-Wan-Kenobi: Why are you called Ben?  
  
Obi-Wan: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my Master's best friend called me 'Ben' because she didn't like using formal names. When I moved out to Tatooine, the Jawas couldn't pronounce my name, so I let them call me Ben. And Luke… he was never very good at remembering things, so for his own sanity, I let him call me Ben.  
  
Luke: Hey!  
  
Kidd Fett: To Luke: What kind of name is Luke? who named you Luke? why weren't you Leonardo like the ninja turtle!! why Luke?!  
  
Amidala: We wanted to name him Lucas, after our creator, but his aunt and uncle changed his name. Therefore, it's not my fault!  
  
Han: I love that phrase…  
  
Kidd Fett: Chewbacca: Rwwfffff??? Rwwwffff???  
  
Chewie: Rrooooawf!  
  
Kidd Fett: To Anakin: Why did you joined the Dark Side? Why did you marry Amidala? and why is your mom on an old folk's house, you EViiiiil son!!  
  
Anakin: I joined the Dark side because it pays better, I married Amidala because she's hot, and my mom is in an old folk's house because I just don't care, frankly.  
  
Obi-Wan: Ooo, cold.  
  
Anakin: (shrugs) I am, after all, the master of evil.  
  
Kidd Fett: And to conclude this!  
  
*Jumps at Boba Fett's lap and gives him a big hug* Papa! Papa!! where's mommy!?! were's Gwampa?! *points a blaster at him while still huggin him sweetly* Were's my allowance!!?? and yes I'm your daughter (Hence the last name)...  
  
Boba Fett: Hmm, I didn't know I had a daughter. Therefore, there will be no allowance that you can't earn. That's the first rule of Bounty Hunting. (grabs Kidd Fett's blaster and turns it aside) Now, go be a good girl and sit back down in the audience.  
  
Blade: Our next questions come from MordorianNazgul.  
  
MordorianNazgul: Obi-Wan: *coughs* Sorry about me turning into fan-girl goo there, Obi-Wan. Normal reflex when I see you. *blinks, looks at the strange glances she gets from her classmates, and coughs again*  
  
Obi-Wan: That's perfectly all right. (watches MordorianNazgul turn into a puddle of fangirl goo again) O.o  
  
MordorianNazgul: Boba Fett: Mr. Fett... Mind if I call you Boba? I'd just like to say you look awesome in the armor. Poor ole' me needs to see you in the new movie... My friend thinks you're cute. *points to her 4'9" friend with almost white hair* She's kind of crazy. *pauses* Oh, yes. My question. Eh, I was wondering how much it'd cost for you to take out a few of my classmates. *waggles a list of forty some-odd names* And yes, you can disintegrate them if you want. Nobody likes them much.  
  
Boba Fett: That's going to cost you… but I'm sure we can work something out. See me after the show, in the Speeder parking lot.  
  
Blade: And here's Narchannen Fae.  
  
Narchannen Fae: Yoda: How did you get a six pack?  
  
and What's up with the 'Oh look at me i can use a lightsaber,' but then when the fight is over you are like, 'Oh i need my cane'?  
  
Yoda: Exercise a lot, I do. And, the Gatorade wore off.  
  
Blade: Gatorade… (drool)  
  
Aleena Tarlana: yes, please tell my dearest Obi-Wan that Satine's ghost will be visiting him soon.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yay! (prances about the stage while singing the Elephant Love Medley in its entirety)  
  
Aleena Tarlana: one more question for Yoda:  
  
what kind of Gatorade??  
  
Yoda: Grape. With lots of sugar.  
  
Blade: And here's Felicia again with some Obi-Wan criticisms-  
  
Felicia: Obi - Wan: Why are you such a bad teacher? Qui - Gon would've raised Anakin to a powerful jedi and Anakin would never have turned to the dark side. It's all your fault! *shots accusing glares in Obi - Wan's direction*  
  
Obi-Wan: I was saddled with this spoilt Jedi when I was only just made a Knight! What did you expect?  
  
Anakin: Spoilt??  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, very.  
  
Felicia: Amidala: Kids with Obi - Wan? Do you want to turn your kids to the dark side?  
  
Amidala: Actually, I think there's a better chance genetically of them turning to the dark side because they're fathered by Mr. Master of Evil over there…  
  
Felicia: Yoda: Would you teach me how to fight with a lightsabre? You are a much better teacher than Obi - Wan is.  
  
Yoda: Help you I can, yes, mmm!  
  
Obi-Wan: (pouts)  
  
Felicia: Han: Have you ever tried spice?  
  
Han: Yes, it's very good.  
  
Felicia: Leia: Have you ever tried spice?  
  
Leia: Yes, on numerous occasions.  
  
Blade: Are you sure you guys should be admitting that? Is it safe to fly while high on spice?  
  
Han: (shrugs)  
  
Blade: Note to self: never fly with Han Solo again.  
  
Felicia: Luke: You aren't unloved. I'm here and I love you.  
  
Luke: Yay! I'm loved! Wohoo!  
  
Blade: (long-suffering sigh) All right, all right, you're good with a lightsaber…  
  
Luke: (gasp) I've been complimented by the writer! Wohoo!  
  
Felicia: Miss Celebare: Can I really take Luke home after the show?  
  
Blade: Sure, have fun with him.  
  
Luke: Shouldn't I get some say in the matter?  
  
Everyone: No!  
  
Luke: Oh… ok then.  
  
Blade: Our next… questions… come from big man!. These are some… interesting… questions O.o  
  
Big man!: amidiala- okay..........what's it feel like to get it on with the guy that becomes vader?  
  
Amidala: O.o Um… I'm sorry, that information is classified.  
  
Big man!: anikan- when you fell into the volcano, did your privates burn off?  
  
Anakin: (looks down at self) No, everything's still here…  
  
Big man!: r2-d2- hey I've been carrying around this here bag from mcdonalds all day long, and I can't find any trash cans to deposit it in. Can I use you?  
  
R2D2: $#%^!@#!!!  
  
Blade: I think that's a no…  
  
Big man!: chewbacka- so.......do you and leia got some kind of affair goin on?  
  
Chewbacca: Rrrowf! Raaraaarr, rroww!  
  
Blade: I'm no expert, but I think he said 'no, and spell my name right'.  
  
Chewbacca: Rrrf.  
  
Big man!: c3po- how much does your gold cost? can I have it?  
  
C3P0: (fizzles and sparks on the floor)  
  
Blade: (scratches head) I should probably fix that, huh?  
  
Big man!: mace windu- do you and yoda got some gay thing going on?  
  
Mace: No!  
  
Yoda: Crazy that reviewer is, yes.  
  
Mace: Now Qui-Gon, that's anoth- ermm… I think he had a gay thing going on. (looks around nervously)  
  
Obi-Wan: WHAT??  
  
Mace: (sweatdrop) (waves his hand) You will forget what I just said.  
  
Obi-Wan: (in a trance) I will forget what you just said. (snaps out of it) what just happened?  
  
Anakin: Mace Windu just called Qui-Gon ga-  
  
Mace: (stuns Anakin with a blaster)  
  
Obi-Wan, Amidala, and Blade: O.o  
  
Mace: (nervous grin)  
  
Blade: Our next long list of questions comes from Shadow Fyre 06.  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Can I ask a bunch of random questions?!  
  
Blade: Yes.  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: YAY!!  
  
Okay, 1st off, I don't Mind Luke, But i don't wanna marry you, and the only time you actually look good is return of the Jedi, cuz no matter who wears it black is HOT!  
  
Luke: Why thank you. (bows)  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: But that wasn't a q, here's a q,  
  
Anakin, In Episode 1, your eye's are blue, how do they change color, and how do you feel about growing up to be a scarred, fat, bald, old man?  
  
Anakin: My eyes are still blue! …aren't they? And I was never fat, just bald and… scarred… I suppose that's what happens when you spend half your life in a black suit.  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Obi-Wan, Why did you grow out your hair? it was so cute short with the padawan braid! Now it's just...icky...(No offense for those who like it!)  
  
Obi-Wan: Like I said before, it's to honor the memory of my deceased Jedi Master.  
  
Blade: I think it looks good.  
  
Random backstage guy: Hey, the hostess is supposed to be impartial!  
  
Blade: Don't make me fire you.  
  
From backstage: (crickets)  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Boba- Why is your armour crappy compared to your dads?  
  
Boba Fett: I got into more serious fights than my father.  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Yoda- Why don't you use your lightsaber more often? By the way i have a funny story for Kermit, but I'll tell you later.  
  
Yoda: Wars not make one great! Tell me the story you will, yes.  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Amidala, What's up with being a Democratic queen?  
  
Amidala: (shrugs) I didn't pick the title.  
  
Anakin: (in a falsetto, fluttering his eyelashes) Not that the title's important-  
  
Obi-Wan: (growls)  
  
Anakin: (Sniggers)  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Obi- Wan( again) How do YOU feel about slash fiction between you and Qui-Gon?  
  
Obi-Wan: O.O  
  
Blade: The face says it all…  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Chewbacca- Why is Han so Horny all the time?  
  
Chewie: Rrowf.  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Leia- How do you Deal with Han being Horny all the time?  
  
Leia: In the only way I can. (sighs resignedly)  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Luke- Why don't you just CUT YOUR HAIR?!  
  
Luke: I failed 'cutting with scissors 101' at my high school.  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: R2-D2- Has anyone ever told you that you are the BEST character over all?  
  
R2D2: (modestly) #$%  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: C-3PO- If you are capable of speaking in so many languages why don't you tell everyone to go to (@&#^$!!!! and you can go to while you're at it.  
  
C3P0: (sparks and says something very foul)  
  
Blade: O.o Uh… can we get a mechanic over here?  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Watto- Would you ever get it on with Anakin?  
  
Watto: Would-a you-a pay me?  
  
Shadow Fyre 06: Anakin- How much money will you get it on with Watto for?  
  
Anakin: (repulsed) I would never 'get it on' with Watto for any amount of money!  
  
Blade: Our last questioner is Anna.  
  
Anna: Luke: I thought the "black outfit" from Return of the Jedi was totally studly. So tell the yay-hoos makin' fun of your threads to step off, I got yo' back.  
  
Luke: Gee, I've never been described as... studly... before.  
  
Anna: Anakin: Yeah baby, let the dark side flow, say the S word one more time, just for me.  
  
Anakin: Uh... what 'S' word?  
  
Anna: Leia: How does it feel to not be the only major chick in Star Wars flicks? Do you ever find yourself envious of you mama's popularity?  
  
Leia: My mother will never be more popular than me. I've got more books written about me.  
  
Anna: Chewie: Do you find that you have a problem with split ends? If so, how do you treat them?  
  
Chewie: Rrrowf. (holds up a bottle of 'Herbal Essence for Wookiees')  
  
Anna: R2D2 & C3PO: Is it true you guys are a gay couple?  
  
R2D2: (angry, grating beeping noise)  
  
C3P0 (or whatever's left of him): (explodes)  
  
Anna: Han: you kick ass, pure and simple!  
  
Han: Yes I do!  
  
Anna: Amidala: Do you really love Anakin, or do you just want him for his body?  
  
Amidala: Both. He's one sexy ba- uh, I mean... Jedi.  
  
Anna: Obi-Wan: In The Empire Strikes Back, you told Luke that Yoda was the Jedi master who trained you, yet in The Phantom Menace, it seemed that uhhh... Mr. Q (?) was really your master. Care to offer an oppinion on this discrepency?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yoda did train me, in my earlier years, before I was taken on as an apprentice. Yoda trains all young Jedi before they are taken off to become Padawans.  
  
Anna: A general comment to all of the audience members (aka readers): Okay, every one should keep in mind that the origional trilogy was made in the late 70's, early 80's and let's face it, guys in movies were just not as cute back then. So it would be unfair to compare the old and the new on an... asthetic level. Back in the day, Luke and Han were quite the hot ticket. Besisdes, it could always be worse. It could have been Christopher Walken up there. Ick.  
  
Blade: Once again, that's all folks. Tune in next week for the next instalment in this little talkshow. Bu-bye, everyone! 


	7. Come what may...?

Blade: (drinking a can of Spider-Man Dr. Pepper) Ooo, Spider-Man… (snaps the soda tab off of the can) Ooo, I got a 'K'… (looks over at Obi-Wan)  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah, well I got an 'S', so there! (drains a can of Sierra Mist)  
  
Anakin: (surrounded by cans of soda) Gahh! Another 'W'! Damnit!  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Boba Fett: Hm. Snapping the tabs off of soda cans is a childish pastime. In any event, I got a 'Z'.  
  
Anakin: (drunk from his spiked soda) Who the hell has a 'z' in their name?? Why the hell do I keep getting 'w'?? I want an 'A' or a 'P', damnit!  
  
From Offstage: Uh, Ms. Blade, we're filming…  
  
Blade: We are?? (sweatdrop) Uh, can we edit that part out?  
  
From Offstage: Nope, we're live.  
  
Blade: …-.-' All right, might as well move on to our first questioner…  
  
C-chanYagami: Firstly ::picks up Artoo and Threepio, in seconds, fixes both:: There we go.  
  
C3P0: Ah, I'm fixed! I'm saved!  
  
R2D2: $^%  
  
C3P0: Well, I never!  
  
C-chanYagami: OK, to Luke: ::huggle:: Love ya babe, you were my first real crush ^_^ and I'd take you anyday. Question, though: Why can't you remember your own sister's name? I'm aware you didn't know she was your sister at the time, but really. Hey, loving you in black, by the way ::yay:: ::jumps Luke::  
  
Luke: O.o (escapes the dreaded 'fangirl snare') Uh, thank you… (brushes self off) I never knew my sister, or my mother, for that matter. Therefor, I didn't know her name. And as to your final comment- (strikes a pose) I make this outfit look gooood!  
  
C-chanYagami: OK, to Yoda: Is there a particular reason you speak that way? And just what are you, anyway?  
  
Yoda: Confuse people I do, yes. Funny, it is. An alien, I am, hmm? Yes…  
  
C-chanYagami: To Mace: Why did you wait till episode 2 to do anything? Totally didn't see that coming!  
  
Mace: (in a scholarly voice) The element of surprise is always useful.  
  
C-chanYagami: To Obi-Wan: Just kick Anakin. Go ahead. It feels good ::kicks Annie:: yeah, that's the stuff.  
  
Anakin: Gah! (falls over)  
  
Obi-Wan: Alas, a Master can never kick his own apprentice when he's down…  
  
Anakin: (grimace)  
  
C-chanYagami: To Watto: Is Huttese the official language of Tatooine? And didn't you suspect anything when ::cover your ears, Obi, dear:: Qui-Gon ::ok, Obi:: flipped your chance cube? I mean, he's a Jedi. You didn't see that one coming?  
  
Watto: Yes-a, Huttese is-a the official-a language of Tatooine-a. Wait-a minute… That-a guy was-a Jedi? I've-a been-a cheated!  
  
Obi-Wan: (laughs and points at Watto)  
  
Blade: And here's biblehermione with a question.  
  
Biblehermione: To Amidala and Leia: Ever think of making spin-off movies? Y'know, from the women's point of view?  
  
Amidala: Hmm, that's a good idea…  
  
Leia: Hehehe, we can make Han into a Wookiee.  
  
Amidala: Can we make Anakin a Bantha?  
  
Anakin and Han: Hey!  
  
Blade: Here's some more questions from StarSlash36.  
  
StarSlash36: Yoda: Have you heard the song 'Yoda'?  
  
Yoda: Heard it I have, yes. A good song, it is.  
  
StarSlash36: Yoda: SInce you're here and all, can you finally tell us what your species is?  
  
Yoda: A mystery it is, yes. Tell you, I cannot.  
  
StarSlash36: Boba: How come you got such a small part yet are the coolest SW character?  
  
Boba Fett: Small parts make for great fanfictions.  
  
StarSlash36: Luke: I think you should get a different color lightsaber. Why? You're a friendless loser.  
  
Luke: (thinks really hard) What do 'friendless loser' and 'different colored lightsaber' have to do with each other??  
  
Blade: Absolutely nothing.  
  
Luke: Oh… ok then.  
  
StarSlash36: Blade: Why the hell didn't you include Lando?  
  
Blade: Ah, a serious oversight, I suppose… He'll be in the next chapter. Lady Atheilen, ask away.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Yoda: Why is it that you have not yet learned correct grammar?  
  
Yoda: Boring, the sentence structure is. Always Subject-Verb-Adverb it is.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Amidala: How do you MOVE in those outfits?  
  
Amidala: Strong leg and neck muscles.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Another one for Amidala: Why did they make you Queen so early? If I tried to take over the world, people would never follow me because I'm too young.  
  
Amidala: I was elected to my position. Maybe they thought I was weak, and so the bureaucracies could manipulate me.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Obi: Why did you always obey Qui no matter what? Half your lines in Ep. I were "Yes, Master," and I was getting very tired of it.  
  
  
  
Obi-Wan: (folds arms serenely) I was a model apprentice, and since Qui-Gon was very wise, there was no reason not to obey him. My Padawan could use some lessons in obedience…  
  
Lady Atheilen: Darth Maul: Why didn't you talk more in Ep. I?  
  
Darth Maul: (who just conveniently walked on stage at that very moment) A Sith need not speak to get his point across.  
  
Obi-Wan: Gahh! You! (leaps up, Lightsaber in hand) I am Obi-Wan Kenobi! You killed my Master – prepare to die again! (leaps at Maul)  
  
Blade: O.o; As much as I enjoy the Princess Bride thing, you can't kill him… again. We may need him. (tackles Obi-Wan around the ankles again)  
  
Maul: (deactivates lightsaber and sits in a vacant chair right next to Anakin)  
  
Obi-Wan: I wish you wouldn't do that…  
  
Blade: Sorry, it's my duty as a hostess.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Palpatine: What made you decide you wanted to take over the world?  
  
Palpatine: (who also randomly walked into the talkshow) I was bored.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Threepio: Just how many languages can you readily speak? We never find out in the movies.  
  
C3P0: I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication and can readily-  
  
R2D2: (runs into C3P0, knocking him over)  
  
Lady Atheilen: Qui: Why didn't you say goodbye to Obi before you died? He deserved that much at least.  
  
Disembodied Qui-Gon Voice: I did say goodbye… sort of.  
  
Obi-Wan: (bolts out of his chair) Master! Where are you?  
  
Disembodied Qui-Gon Voice: It's cocktail hour. We shall speeeeak agaaaain… (fades out)  
  
Obi-Wan: …(pouts)  
  
Blade: Well, this is a very 'spirited' talkshow…  
  
Everyone: …boooo…  
  
Blade: Ah, yes. (clears throat) and here's Anna Skywalker with a question for you all.  
  
Anna Skywalker: to Everyone; which is the best ship? (heh, it'll be fun to watch them fight over the answer to this one...)  
  
Obi-Wan: No ship is a good ship.  
  
Amidala: I like Naboo Starfighters.  
  
Anakin: Pod Racers!  
  
Han: Corellian cruisers!  
  
Leia: Anything other than the Falcon.  
  
Han: Hey!  
  
Chewie: Rrrowwr!  
  
C3P0: Master Chewbacca says-  
  
Chewie: (whacks C3P0)  
  
Luke: (chants) X-wing! X-wing! X-wing!  
  
Yoda: VW Beetle.  
  
Everyone: (pauses from arguing to stare at Yoda)  
  
Yoda: What??  
  
Mace Windu: Jedi Starfighters.  
  
Boba Fett: Slave I, obviously.  
  
Blade: The Shield Dodger!  
  
Everyone: What??  
  
Blade: Uh… never mind. Before a riot occurs, here's Anna with a question.  
  
Anna: Anakin: The S-word is Satine. Say it again so I can see Mr. Sensitive over there turn into a sobbing mess.  
  
Anakin: Oh, all right. (yells) Satine!  
  
Obi-Wan: (turns into a sobbing mess)  
  
Blade: …(claps her hand to her forehead)  
  
Anna: Luke: Yes, it's true. You are, on occasion, studly.  
  
Luke: I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy, I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt-  
  
Obi-Wan: (knocks Luke over the head with his lightsaber handle before Luke can rip his shirt off) That's my song!  
  
Luke: (dizzily) Look at all the pretty Mynocks…  
  
Anna: Yoda: I love you! Why don't you have packs of rabbid fangirls mobbing you? I think you are the cutest!  
  
Yoda: Rabid fangirls, I want them not. Rabid they are, yes, hmm…  
  
Anna: Leia: Do you ever call Han "Dr. Jones" ?  
  
Leia: Yes, sometimes.  
  
Anakin: (tilts his head to the side) Do you… uh… enjoy that whole 'bull whip' thing?  
  
Leia: (blushes crimson) That was an inappropriate question!  
  
Anakin: (crosses his arms) I'm your father, so I can ask you anything I want.  
  
Blade: On to dEmInEmNsYnCgUrL.  
  
DEmInEmNsYnCgUrL: All right. First of all, I love this fic. I'm gonna ask some weird questions, but don't think I'm some kind of perv. Amidala: What do you prefer Anakin to scream, Padme or Amidala?  
  
Amidala: (in a matter-of-fact sort of voice) Padme.  
  
Anakin: …-.-  
  
DemInEmNsYnCgUrL: Anakin: Seeing that you become evil, do you handcuff Amidala to your bed and make her worship your "dark side"?  
  
Anakin: Actually, I handcuff her to the wall first.  
  
DemInEmNsYnCgUrL: Mace: Were you named Mace because of a premonition of how many times sprayed with it? Also, is your purple lightsaber and indication or something?  
  
Mace: I've never been sprayed with mace, and only manly men can use a purple lightsaber and feel secure in their manliness.  
  
Anakin: Well, I guess that counts you out, huh?  
  
Mace: …  
  
DEmInEmNsYnCgUrL: Anakin: You can be my *Jedi knight*. Can I hug you?  
  
Anakin: I have a bad feeling about this but, sure, you can hug me.  
  
Blade: Here's a question – or response – from Celestia Vitaria.  
  
Celestia Vitaria: So how's about we just forget the whole apprentice thing, you still drop kick anakin off a cliff or something, and we get married? And Anakin, do the universe a favor and go jump off the cliff before I throw you off. I have a flying frying pan with your name on it and I know how to use it...  
  
Anakin: (gulps and hides behind Blade) Help me, Hostess-wan-Bladey, you're my only hope!  
  
Blade: Hostess-wan… ?? Go sit down, Anakin!  
  
Anakin: (trembles in fear)  
  
Obi-Wan: A Jedi must not know love! For the last time, a Jedi must not know-  
  
Blade: (interrupting) I think you'll change your view soon…  
  
Obi-Wan: What?  
  
Blade: (mysteriously) You'll see… Here's Felicia.  
  
Felicia: Obi - Wan: Why didn't you take classes to become a GOOD teacher?  
  
Obi-Wan: I didn't have time.  
  
Felicia: Yoda: Do you also think Master Windu's behaviour is strange? And when will my lessons begin?  
  
Yoda: Always strange is Mace Windu. Your lessons begin after the show. Help you I can, yes, mmm!  
  
Felicia: Amidala: Which twin do you like more? Your daughter who marries a smuggler or your son who saves your husband and the whole galaxy?  
  
Amidala: My daughter who marries a smuggler.  
  
Luke: (pouts)  
  
Felicia: Han and Leia: Ewwwwwwww! Remember spice isn't very healthy.  
  
Han: Yes, we know…  
  
Leia: Don't do drugs, drugs are bad, n'kay?  
  
Felicia: Chewbacca: Do you like your best friend's wife? And how does your own family?  
  
Chewie: Rrowf! Rrooowr!  
  
C3P0: Master Chewbacca says, 'on occasion, and very well, thank you'.  
  
Felicia: Anakin: Don't let Obi - Wan get the best of you. You can better fight than he does and you are looking better than he does.  
  
Anakin: I know, and I kill him someday, too!  
  
Obi-Wan: …(crosses arms grumpily)  
  
Blade: And, on to our final questioner, and Obi-Wan's big surprise…  
  
Obi-Wan: Do I have to close my eyes and make a wish?  
  
Blade: No.  
  
Aleena Tarlana: Obi-Wan: can I have a hug?? I need one very badly.  
  
Obi-Wan: Ok… sure… O.o (gives Aleena a hug)  
  
Aleena Tarlana: Anikin: leave Obi-Wan alone dammit!! otherwise my Padawan learner Krissy-Poo (aka Tofu, Topher and Kris) and I (Aleena Tarlana, the writer formerly known as Saturn Riddle) shall come and destroy you.  
  
Anakin: (is very frightened by the statement) O.o  
  
Aleena Tarlana: Miss Celebare: Tell me if anyone in a costume is at the movie. there were lots of people when i saw it...o.O...my Padawan and I shell see if there are more tommorow.  
  
Blade: By the time I see it, I'll be the only loser in costume… (le sigh)  
  
Aleena Tarlana: *the ghost of Satine wanders in*  
  
The G.O. Satine: where's Christian? I don't see him...where are you?  
  
Obi-Wan: O.O (faints off his chair)  
  
Anakin: (eyes Satine and whistles) How you doin'?  
  
Amidala: …(whacks Anakin over the head with a frying pan)  
  
Anakin: Ow!  
  
Obi-Wan: (wakes up and shakes his head) Ug, I just had the strangest dream… I dreamed that Satine's ghost came back to visit me… (sees Satine's ghost) O.O  
  
The G.O. Satine: Who are you?  
  
Obi-Wan: (has been rendered speechless)  
  
Blade: He's your lover, formerly known as Christian the impoverished writer.  
  
The G.O. Satine: Oh! I can only visit you briefly, so can you come and talk to me in private?  
  
Obi-Wan: (stuttering again) P-private?  
  
Blade: Ah, sorry Satine, but the rules apply to you too… no dragging my guest stars away until after the show. But, if you want, I can let you stay here a little longer…  
  
Satine: All right (is intrigued)  
  
Blade: (rolls up sleeves and pulls a wand out of her pocket) Sit down next to the comatose Jedi over there (indicates Obi-Wan)  
  
Satine: (does as she's told)  
  
Obi-Wan: (stuttering)  
  
Blade: (mutters something in Latin and Satine comes back to life)  
  
Obi-Wan: O.O  
  
Blade: Hah! And who says magic can't bring back the dead… You can be alive until the end of the talkshow, Satine.  
  
Satine: All right.  
  
Anakin: Now, why couldn't they have cast her as Amidala?  
  
Amidala: What??  
  
Han: Never think out loud, kid.  
  
Anakin: (sweatdrops)  
  
Obi-Wan: (suddenly re-gains his voice and starts singing) Come what may, come what may, I will love you until my dying da-  
  
Satine: That line doesn't work for me. I'm already dead.  
  
Obi-Wan: Should we change it?  
  
Satine: I don't see why not.  
  
Obi-Wan: Does anyone have a typewriter I can use?  
  
Anakin: As much as I hate to help you… (pulls a datapad out of his pocket)  
  
Obi-Wan: Good enough. So what should we change it to?  
  
Satine: You're the writer, not me.  
  
Obi-Wan: (ponders)  
  
Blade: Well, that was an odd change of events… O.o So, next chapter I'll have Lando in here… and I guess you can now ask Palpatine and Maul questions, and Satine too, for that matter, even though she's not really a Star Wars character… 


	8. No smooching on my talkshow!

A/N: Let me remind you people that I still haven't seen Episode II… so can we go easy on the Episode II references? Keep in mind that I can't honestly answer those because I don't know the real answers… -.-  
  
  
  
Blade: Are we on? We are? Ok, good. (clears throat) Welcome to yet another chapter of the Star Wars talkshow- (gets distracted by something behind her and turns around) O.o Obi-Wan Kenobi! I did not bring the love of your life back from the dead to watch you two smooching! This is a talkshow, not 'Blind Date'!  
  
Obi-Wan: (stops smooching Satine and looks up guiltily) Uh… sorry?  
  
Blade: (crosses arms) That's better. If your little 'love intrest' ruins my talkshow, I'll send her back to where she came from!  
  
Obi-Wan & Satine: (gulp)  
  
Blade: (growly noises) All right, once again my little sister has a few… questions… to ask. Ask away, Keno…  
  
Keno Charo: For Darth Maul- Did you appreciate your old master, or did you hate him?  
  
Maul: A Sith must not know appreciation.  
  
Yoda: Stole our motto you did!  
  
Maul: (growly noises)  
  
Blade: He stole my growly noises! (bashes Maul over the head with a Luke Skywalker action figure)  
  
Maul: (dizzily) Oww…  
  
Keno: For Satine- Give me the definition of a lightsaber.  
  
Satine: A… glowing… saber?  
  
Obi-Wan Correct!  
  
Blade: Oh yeah, of course you'd stick up for her (rolls eyes)  
  
Obi-Wan: (wimpers)  
  
Anakin: Do I sense some animosity?  
  
Blade: …why yes, yes you do.  
  
Anakin: I'm good!  
  
Luke: Actually, you're evil-  
  
Anakin: That's not what I meant!  
  
Leia: …I have such weird parents…  
  
Amidala: you said it. Wait a minute…  
  
Luke: (laughs and points)  
  
Amidala: You should show respect for your mother!  
  
Luke: You're right… sorry mother.  
  
Amidala: Better.  
  
Anakin: I get no respect around here…  
  
Keno: All right, Satine, what's the definition of a speeder?  
  
Satine: What is this, 'Jeparody'??  
  
Keno: No. But this is the Star Wars talkshow.  
  
Satine: …  
  
Keno: Obi-Wan-  
  
Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.  
  
Luke: So do I, Ben, so do I.  
  
Keno: How do you like being called 'Old Ben' by this little brat at your side?  
  
Luke: Since when am I a brat??  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't mind… much.  
  
Keno: Palpatine- How do you like it that everyone will hate you when you get old because you're a shriveled prune?  
  
Palpatine: I will rule the galaxy. People don't need to like me, they need to feeear me!  
  
Blade: and my other sister has a question… O.o  
  
Lily: Anakin- How did you get to be a non-shrively prune dude when you grew up? With scars?  
  
Anakin: Uh… (shrugs and hides from Lily)  
  
Blade: Oooook…. On to the… 'normal' questioners. Here's Darth Flirt.  
  
Darth Flirt: Everyone that does spice: Have you ever tried pipeweed? I can get you some of the finest weed in the shire. (winks)  
  
Han: Actually, yes. I smuggled some Pipe-Weed to Sauron, and I tried some of it then. It wasn't bad…  
  
Darth Flirt: Anakin: Has anyone ever told you that you look sexier when you are evil? Or that you have nice hands... and legs.. and smile... and hair... (sighs dreamily)  
  
Anakin: Yes, actually, my lovely wife Amidala told me that numerous times.  
  
Blade: I don't think that was the right answer, Anakin.  
  
Darth Flirt: Padmé: I HATE YOU!! WHY DO YOU GET TO MARRY ANAKIN!!! DIE!!!! And you don't even want to love him till you're about to die! He doesn't deserve a half-naked slut like you!!!  
  
Anakin: (insulted) I happen to like half-naked sluts-  
  
Amidala: What??  
  
Anakin: Uh, I meant women like you (sweatdrop)  
  
Amidala: (growly noises)  
  
Blade: Everyone, stop stealing my growly noises!  
  
Darth Flirt: Anakin: Did you pay that Nexu (that big smiley tiger thingy in the arena) to rip off Padmé's clothes?  
  
Anakin: (nervously) Why no, of course not! Why would I do a thing like that? (sweatdrop)  
  
Amidala: (eyes Anakin suspiciously)  
  
Darth Flirt: Darth Maul: How could you not beat Obi-wan?! Anakin did it in a vaccuum suit!  
  
Maul: No comment.  
  
Obi-Wan: Hey! When he kills me, I'm an old bald guy!  
  
Anakin: And I'm an 8-foot-tall half-mechanical superbeing.  
  
Maul: And what am I, chopped Nerf medallions?  
  
Anakin and Obi-Wan: Yes.  
  
Maul: …  
  
Blade: Here's Omega with some more questions.  
  
Omega: Obi-Wan: Argh, just get over with it QUI-GON AND SATINE ARE BOTH DEAD THEY WON'T RETURN SO CRYING everytime you hear their name won't help! You should go one with your life, find another girl like Luminara, I think she loves you especially after The Approaching Storm, Barriss or Padme. Besides Satine used you, she never loved you.  
  
Obi-Wan: (sniffles) My poor deceased Master… (glares at Darth Maul, who is now snickering evilly)  
  
Satine: What do you mean, 'used'? I didn't 'use' him!  
  
Blade: (sarcastically) Of course you didn't.  
  
Obi-Wan and Satine: (glower)  
  
Blade: Hey! No turning against the talkshow hostess!  
  
Omega: Anakin: Do you feel guilty chopping off your son hand?  
  
Anakin: No… not really.  
  
Omega: Padme: why are you married with a maniac? he killed innocent tusken raiders for crying out loud! Or are you using him to get closer to Yoda or Obi-Wan?  
  
Amidala: Killing innocent tusken raiders is fun…  
  
Everyone: O.o;  
  
Omega: Yoda: You remind me of a Gremlin, do you have a secret relation with Yaddle?  
  
Yoda: Secret relationship, I have not!  
  
Blade: Here's an Anonymous reviewer…  
  
Anonymous: Okay...Obi: A Jedi must not know love...Remember that well...  
  
Satine: What? (eyes Obi-Wan)  
  
Obi-Wan: Uh… it's part of the new job description  
  
Anonymous: Anakin, This is something I have been pondering, but, um, why did YOU not get the double-bladed lightsaber? Or one with a curved handle? But noooo, you just got a normal one! So, why did you stay on the dark side if you just had a normal lightsaber?  
  
Anakin: I like my normal lightsaber. Curved lightsabers… say something about the people who use them, and curved lightsabers are so 'Episode I'.  
  
Anonymous: Palpatine,may I call you Palpy? Well, I'm gonna anyways. So, you ever think of actually being a baker instead of the evil dark lord of the Sith? I mean, come on! Free chocolate cookies!  
  
Palpatine: You may not call me 'Palpy'. (shudders) And I get free chocolate cookies for being evil dark lord of the Sith. Sometimes I get together with Sauron and Voldemort, and we have a little tea party… (giggles)  
  
Everyone: …O.o  
  
Blade: Felicia has some questions, and never fear, we don't throw vegetables on this show. (eats a radish)  
  
Felicia: Maul: How does it feel to get killed by Obi -Wan?  
  
Maul: It was very, very painful.  
  
Felicia: Palpatine: Why do you want Anakin as your apprentice? Why can't you let him live in peace with his family?  
  
Palpatine: He was gifted in the use of the force. Who wouldn't want him on their side?  
  
Felicia: Amidala: Do you want to kill Palpatine for stealing your husband and destroying the Republic?  
  
Amidala: Actually, now that you mention it… (goes after Palpatine with a chainsaw)  
  
Blade: Hey! No killing the guest stars! (casts the imperius curse on Amidala) You will sit down in your seat!  
  
Amidala: (obediently sits down in her seat)  
  
Palaptine: Hmm… Blade, why don't you join my bid for world conquest? You can even have Anakin if you want.  
  
Anakin: What??  
  
Blade: Uh… no thanks. I'm not in to the whole 'obey a guy who smells like old feet' thing.  
  
Palpatine: (snaps fingers) shoot.  
  
Felicia: Yoda: Where did you get this cool stick of yours? I really like it!  
  
Yoda: Forgot, I did, where I got my stick. Bad my memory is, yes.  
  
Felicia: Luke: *runs on stage again and gives Luke a plate with chocolate cookies* They are just for you! *winks*  
  
Luke: Chocolate cookies! Joy! (gives Felicia a big hug)  
  
Blade: I sense a lot of fangirl goo in your future, Luke.  
  
Luke: (munches his cookies happily)  
  
Blade: Serra Duchi has a random question-  
  
Serra Duchi: To Boba: Hey sexy! What's it feel like to weild a blaster? (hug, kiss on the cheek)  
  
Boba: O.o Uh…  
  
Luke: Wow, he's speechless.  
  
Blade: And here's some more randomness from dEmInEmNsYnCgUrL.  
  
dEmInEmNsYnCgUrL: Palpatine: Is there a Mrs. Palpatine at home? *winks*  
  
Palpatine: No, just Voldemort and Sauron.  
  
Anakin: Uh… why?  
  
Palpatine: You shall know in the future, my young apprentice.  
  
Anakin: O.o (hides behind his chair)  
  
dEmInEmNsYnCgUrL: Obi-Wan: Do you ever have to use a Jedi mind trick to get a lady?  
  
Obi-Wan: No.  
  
Blade: (pours VeritaSerum down Obi-Wan's throat) Care to answer again for us?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, yes I have.  
  
Satine: Who??  
  
Obi-Wan: You.  
  
Satine: What???  
  
Blade: Wow, that's a lot of question marks…  
  
SailorElysion: Luke is mine! Luke can we run away together? Sure I already kidnapped Vegeta trunks and some other but i can add you to my collection cant i?  
  
Luke: Uh…  
  
Blade: I think you'll be seeing a lot of the inside of Elysion's closet, Skywalker. Ah well, she can have you if I get Obi-Wan.  
  
Obi-Wan: (looks as if he's trying to decide who to be more afraid of: Blade or Satine)  
  
Blade: Here's Skyblazer.  
  
Skyblazer: Amidala: You're sooooooo beautiful! I wish I could look like you!  
  
Amidala: You, too, can look just like me with these hair enhancements from BathaFur Inc.! Just twelve thousand credits apiece!  
  
Skyblazer: Anakin: As much as I like Amidala ... I wanna kill her so I can marry you! Why'd you have to become evil?!?!?! *wails* I'm fine ...  
  
Amidala: (adds Skyblazer to 'The List of People who want me Dead')  
  
Anakin: I like being evil… MUAHAHAHAAA!  
  
Skyblazer: Luke, Leia, and Han: EW!!!!!!!! You three are so BUTT UGLY!!!!!!!! Ugh!  
  
All Three: Hey!  
  
Luke: I actually have fangirls, so nyaa!  
  
Han: I'm not ugly! And I'm a better actor than any of you!  
  
Obi-Wan: I beg your pardon??  
  
Leia: I'm not ugly! I'm just,,, older than my mother?? O.o  
  
Skyblazer: Obi-wan: Why do so many people love you?  
  
Obi-Wan: (shrugs)  
  
Skyblazer: Boba: What's up with the name Boba Fett? My friend who isn't interested in star wars thought you were a name of a font!  
  
Boba: My name is a perfectly acceptable name for a bounty hunter-  
  
Anakin: (interrupting) though it does sound like the name of a font (cackle)  
  
Boba: Don't make me shoot you, boy.  
  
Blade: On request from Andy, here's Wicket the Ewok! I tried to get the whole tribe here, but I was afraid of what they might do to my guest stars…  
  
Wicket: Yub yub!  
  
Blade: LMR has our next questions.  
  
LMR: This question is for Blade: Are you high or something. This is very messed up! (not that I don't like it)  
  
Blade: This is what not seeing Episode II does to you…  
  
LMR: I just want to say that I kinda like Luke even if he is whiny and dumb.  
  
Luke: Uh… thank you, I think.  
  
LMR: Ani, I've heard rumors that you turned to the dark side because you liked the creepy music that follows you around. Is there any truth to this?  
  
Anakin: (cries) The creepy music made me do it!  
  
Blade: I'd like to apologize to pather7x for the Luke bashing. It won't happen again… as much.  
  
Luke: …  
  
Blade: Here's a Batha Herd of questions from Val.  
  
Val: Amidala: Why is it that you left the throne but still help the queen rule Naboo? Why wouldn't you be a governor or something...?  
  
Amidala: You can call me whatever…  
  
Anakin: (to Amidala) Hey sexy (grin)  
  
Amidala: …(rolls eyes)  
  
Val: Luke: You know, you're an okay guy, just ignore the biting, scathing remarks.  
  
Luke: I'll try… (sniffles)  
  
Val: Luke: Why didn't you join Ani over there (Ani: Hey!) when he offered you a place by his side? I like to potray (er...spelling?) you as a Dark Jedi -- if not a Sith Lord -- after all.... And you *do* wear black...does that mean anything or did you just feel like it?  
  
Luke: My white cloths were in the laundry. If I had joined my father, I'd have to wear one of those nasty face masks anyway.  
  
Val: Leia: Doesn't your hear get heavy?! It looks so *thick*! And what *is* the brand of your hairspray anyway?!  
  
Leia: I inflate my hair with helium, and I use BanthaFur hairspray.  
  
Val: Obi-Wan: How come you hate technology? And how did you pilot that spacecraft anyway if you hated technology? It just doesn't make sense!  
  
Obi-Wan: I know it doesn't, because I was the one who fixed the hyperdrive unit up in Epsiode I… I also fixed and piloted the Bongo. (shrugs) I don't write it, I just act it.  
  
Val: Anakin: Do you know that I just *love* it when I see you being called 'Ani'? It really fits you, you know...  
  
Anakin: Yeah, it fits until I become an egomaniacal monster with a black cape.  
  
Val: Anakin: Why do you call Amidala 'Padme'? Why not Amidala?  
  
Anakin: Uh… habit?  
  
Val: Amidala: Is Padme your private name and Amidala your public one?  
  
Amidala: Yes.  
  
Val: Mace: How come you're the only one who has the purple lightsaber?! Did you steal the corusca gem or something?!  
  
Mace: Nope, I just stained some glass with grape juice (little kid grin)  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Val: Yoda: Why didn't you improve Luke's lightsaber skills?! That way, he wouldn't have lost his right hand! (Luke, baby, I'm really sorry 'bout your hand!)  
  
Yoda: Tried, I did, but unskilled was he.  
  
Luke: Aww… (flexes mechanical hand)  
  
Val: Leia: Don't you know that incest is taboo?! And I thought that you're the princess of Alderaan...  
  
Leia: …-.- I am the princess of Aldaraan… but I don't think it matters now, since Alderaan is no more… (sniffles)  
  
Anakin: (whispers to Leia) Aldaraan!  
  
Leia: (starts crying)  
  
Anakin: (Evil cackle)  
  
Val: Han: Where did you salvage the 'Millenium Falcon' anyway? In the dump? ::sniggers::  
  
Han: Actually, yes. Then Chewie and I turned her into the fastest ship in the galaxy.  
  
Blade: As for the Harry Potter references, Val… just look through this chapter :D Maybe next time I'll put a bunch of Lord of the Rings references in… hmm… ah, the fun never ceases!  
  
Obi-Wan: (goes back to smooching Satine)  
  
Blade: Oy! Stop that!  
  
Obi-Wan: (looks up briefly) The chapter is finished. (returns to 'business')  
  
Blade: …-.- Why me… 


	9. Satine is a... hostess??

Another A/N: All right, from now on all Episode II-related questions will be ignored, because I still haven't seen the damn movie! Sorry for the angry italics, but it's really getting to me… please, be considerate! Not seeing this movie is killing me, and I still have three weeks to go before I even have a chance of seeing it!  
  
Blade: (paces back and forth on stage) Gah! Must… must see Episode II… (starts foaming at the mouth) Must see! Must see! (does the Gollum face) Gaaa!  
  
Luke: Our hostess is rabid! Run!  
  
Blade: (falls off the stage and twitches)  
  
Luke: O.o  
  
Anakin: Yes! She's dead! Our torment is over!  
  
Blade: (mutters)  
  
Anakin: Damn.  
  
Obi-Wan: (clears throat) As the most mature person on this show, I'll take over the hosting duties again.  
  
Yoda: Most mature, you are not. Give me the microphone, you will!  
  
Obi-Wan: (crosses arms) I was a 'writer' in another life! So I get the all- mighty hosting microphone!  
  
Blade: (twitches) Microphone…  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o (drops a few sandbags onto the incapacitated hostess)  
  
Yoda: Give me the microphone you will! (jumps at Obi-Wan)  
  
Obi-Wan: Ack! (gets knocked over by the two-foot Jedi Master)  
  
Yoda: (goes for the microphone)  
  
Chewbacca: Rrowr! (whacks Yoda out of the way and snatches the microphone)  
  
Han: Chewie, you can't speak English! No one can understand you! Give me the microphone.  
  
Chewbacca: (reluctantly hands the microphone over)  
  
Satine: Wait! I'll be the hostess, since I'm technically not a real guest star.  
  
Han: (eyeing Satine appreciatively) Sure thing.  
  
Leia: (whacks Han upside the head)  
  
Satine: All right, our first questioner is Val.  
  
Val: Palpatine: Did you meet Voldemort on one of the How To Make Other People's Lives A Living Hell lectures or in one of the annual BGA (Bad Guys Association) meetings?  
  
Palpatine: We met at a 'How to Laugh Like a Dark Lord' seminar, and then again at a BGA meeting. We've kept in contact ever since! (giggles)  
  
Val: Maul: Why do you have horns instead of hair?  
  
Maul: Every time I killed a Jedi, I took their bones and made these horns to implant into my scalp.  
  
Anakin: …that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard… but it's a good idea!  
  
Everyone: (edges away from Anakin)  
  
Val: Palpatine: Do you have an affair with either Sauron or Voldemort?  
  
Palpatine: (gasp) How did you know about that?  
  
Val: Leia: Alderaan... Alderaan... Alderaan... ALDERAAN... ALDERAAAAAAAN!!!!!! Heehee... feel the pain... yes... I DO hate you...! And you're a BITCH!!! How did that feel, Your Royal Bitchiness?  
  
Leia: …(bursts into tears again)  
  
Han: Wow! I should try that sometime!  
  
Luke: Can anyone say 'dysfunctional marriage'?  
  
Blade: (from offstage) Dysfunctional marriage!!  
  
Val: Han: How on *ALDERAAN* did you fall in love with Her Royal Bitchiness anyway?!  
  
Han: Uh… she was hot?  
  
Val: To all the Jedi except Luke: How do you put up with those home-spun itchy clothes of yours?! Luke-baby's lucky! His clothes are tailor-made, plus, it's an all-black ensemble!  
  
Obi-Wan: Actually, the under tunic is quite comfortable. The robe is slightly itchy on bare skin, but since we wear so many layers, it's not much of a problem.  
  
Satine: Do you… work for the home shopping network too?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes.  
  
Val: Yoda: How many children do you have? Don't give me the 'A Jedi Must Not Know Passion' crap, 'cause how do you expect to have little Jedi without passion, huh?  
  
Yoda: The only Yoda am I, yes, hmmmm.  
  
Satine: Next we have… oLgAdAGoD. Uh, Blade, I think this reviewer has issues with your fanfic….  
  
Blade: (from under a pile of sandbags) Remember, I haven't seen Episode II, so any errors in Anakin's character aren't my fault! (zones out again)  
  
Satine: A… narcoleptic… hostess?  
  
Obi-Wan: Something like that.  
  
OLgAdAGoD: Anikan: Seriously, you were really good before. You killed those innocent THINGS cuz dey killed yo momma. You are the cutest thing ever, but I think you and Padme` make the cutest couple! Did you not turn BACK TO THE GOOD SIDE after you met your son luke. I'm sure we felt that there was a little connection there. Admit it, you didn't WANT to become evil, it was stupid obi-wans fault, no offense obi... we still love u.  
  
Anakin: Uh… my name is spelled with only one I. And I killed the innocent things because 1) they were ugly and 2) I like killing things… hehehe… I did turn back to the so-called 'good side' after Luke rescued me, but only because it was getting stinky inside my suit. I really did want to become evil! It's fun! Come on, you know you want the evil…  
  
OlgAdAGoD: Padme`: First name is Padme` last name Amidila.. is it not?  
  
Did not anikan annoy you when he said that stupid line when he was all, EXCUSE ME I AM IN CHARGE OF SECURITY HERE, then lyk backed off after you gave him that look. I wanted to kill him right there and then.  
  
You couldn't have done a better rold of playing amidila, and I can't blame you for falling in love with Anikan, again i dont wanna marry him but he is fine! oh so sexy!  
  
Amidala: Uh… (picks through weird spellings) I suppose you could say, yes, my last name is Amidala. Anakin is annoying… usually… and yes, he is sexy.  
  
Anakin: Woo!  
  
OlgAdAGoD: Obi wan- Stop flirting with the stupid Moulin Rouge chick, Anikan is FAR hotter than you cuz face it... ur old. I do like your hair better tho.  
  
Why didn't you just smack him in the head whenever Anikan did somethin stupid. Like I said I love Anikan but come on, he annoyed me so much throughout that hole movie...erg  
  
Satine: I'm not stupid!  
  
Anakin: Hehe, I like this reviewer…  
  
Obi-Wan: -.- I don't like to use physical punishment on my apprentice.  
  
OLgAdAGoD: Chewbacca: Hi! How does it feel to win a mtv movie award?  
  
Chewie: Rrowr! Rrruf!  
  
C3P0: Master Chewbacca says it was thrilling.  
  
OlgAdAGoD: Leia: Not a question, but I think the buns are tite. We all no u like han, hez not sizzln but come on hez cute..  
  
Leia: Yes… he is cute. In a… scoundraly sort of way.  
  
OlgAdAGoD: Luke: YOU DO NOT SUCK. YOU ARE GREAT! COME ON LAD! CONFIDENCE! N yo mommy n daddy dun hate u... y wud anikan SAVE u then? You are a cutie, black= fav color.  
  
Luke: I have a lot of confidence. I know my mother doesn't hate me, but my father… he tried to kill me! And then… he did try to save me…  
  
Anakin: I only wanted out of the suit, kid.  
  
Luke: Oh, all right then.  
  
OlgAdAGoD: Blade: Why'd u jack up the perfect story line! Its funny but there not this messed up!!! Ehem.. what happened to our infamous frend Jar Jar Binks?  
  
Blade: Mrrff… (snork) zzzzz…  
  
C3P0: Lady Celebare says "What freakin' storyline?? It's a talkshow! It's supposed to be weird!" Is that correct grammar? She also expresses her desire to keep Jar-Jar off of the talkshow.  
  
Jar-Jar: (falls through the roof)  
  
Everyone: No! not Jar-Jar! Anything but Jar-Jar!  
  
Jar-Jar: Hewwow evewybody!  
  
OlgAdAGoD: Jar Jar: Dude... esl... its really not that hard to speak english... trust me  
  
Jar-Jar: Wesa be spekin' da same language!  
  
Satine: (examines the grammar in the last few questions) O.o  
  
OlgAdAGoD: Padme`: I also noticed ur kinda... dead throughout the whole convo. Whats up w.dat? come on! ur a senator! GET WITH IT! Um.. what ever happened to you any ways?  
  
Amidala: I like staying in the background. This talkshow is dangerous.  
  
Satine: Well, that's it for OlgAdAGoD's… questions… here's a few from dEmInEmNsYnCgUrL.  
  
DEmInEmNsYnCgUrL: Padme, have you ever found Palpatine to be sexy?  
  
Amidala: (looks absolutely horrified) No!  
  
DemInEmNsYnCgUrL: Obi-Wan, have you ever considered telling John Williams to make you a theme?  
  
Obi-Wan: I tried, but he wouldn't let me have my own song… the best he did was to put the 'May the Force be with You' instrumental in all of my scenes in the original movies.  
  
DemInEmNsYnCgUrL: Leia, are you aware that from all that hairspray your hair will be falling off within a few years?  
  
Leia: I'll just get hair implants.  
  
DemInEmNsYnCgUrL: Han, if this does happen, will you enjoy your bald wife?  
  
Han: Only in the dark.  
  
DemInEmNsYnCgUrL: And to all of you, which M&M color do you want: pink, aqua, or purple?  
  
Obi-Wan: Aqua. It matches my eyes… sort of.  
  
Anakin: Aqua.  
  
Amidala: Pink.  
  
Jar-Jar: Mesa be wantin' da aqua color! Remindin' me of my home, it is!  
  
Palpatine: Purple.  
  
Mace: Purple.  
  
Maul: Blood red.  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Luke: Aqua.  
  
Leia: Purple.  
  
Han: I agree with Maul. I want blood red.  
  
Everyone: (edges away from Han)  
  
C3P0: I express my preference for the pink M and M.  
  
Watto: Pink-a  
  
R2D2: #$%  
  
Chewie: Rowf.  
  
Boba Fett: Anything, as long as I can get a bounty on it.  
  
Satine: Pink.  
  
Everyone but Obi-Wan: You don't count!!  
  
Satine: (mutters something about ingrates)  
  
Yoda: Aqua I like, hmm, yes.  
  
Wicket: Yub Yub!  
  
Blade: (popping up at the edge of the stage) You know, this is all pointless – you can just go over to The Sweet Factory or the Las Vegas M&M store and pick up any color M&M you want!  
  
Anakin: (innocently drops another sandbag on Blade)  
  
Blade: Zzzz…  
  
Satine: Felicia has some more questions.  
  
Felicia: Luke: Just don't care about the insults! Did you like the cookies?  
  
Luke: (scarfing down the rest of the cookies) Yes, they were delicious. (licks lips)  
  
Felicia: Obi - Wan: You are a jedi, you can't have a relationship with anybody, not even with a Zombie - Satine.  
  
Satine: Technically I'm not a zombie… I'm a ghost who's been temporarily brought back to life.  
  
Obi-Wan: And if my Padawan can break the rules, so can I! (gives Satine a big smooch)  
  
Anakin: (averts eyes) Eew, gross!  
  
Luke: …(shudders)  
  
Felicia: Palpatine: Go and kill yourself and spare the universe lots of pain.  
  
Palpatine: Why… I'm insulted! (eyes well up)  
  
Felicia: Miss Celebare: If you get Mara Jade on this show I'll kill her! *takes Mini - Deathstar out of her pocket* (Yeah, I know, don't kill the guest stars but I simply HATE her)  
  
Blade: (from under the 2-ton pile of sandbags) (drunkenly) No killing my guest stars!  
  
Felicia: Anakin: You hate that Jade, too, don't you?  
  
Anakin: Yes. I do hate her.  
  
Luke: (Sniffles) Aww, I want my father to approve of the woman I love…  
  
Satine: MordorianNazgul is also a returning questioner.  
  
MordorianNazgul: Boba Fett- I agree with you. Your name is a perfectly acceptable name for a bounty hunter. Better than Zam Wesell, if you ask me, which sounds more like the name of a font than your's does. *nods* Besides, bounty hunters like yourself rock. *screeching air-guitar noise from off- screen*  
  
Boba: Thank you. Now I won't have to kill you.  
  
MordorianNazgul: Han- Trust me, you're not ugly, but you're not as good of an actor as Obi.  
  
Han: Thank you… I think.  
  
Blade: (popping up again) I'd like to interject that Han did a great job in the 'I've been frozen in carbonite' scene. He had the shakes! (cracks up)  
  
MordorianNazgul: Luke- Your father and your "dead" mentor have more fangirls than you currently, so I wouldn't be boasting.  
  
Luke: I wasn't boasting… (Sniffles)  
  
MordorianNazgul: All- I had this terrible little incedent at the movie theatre the other day(waited in line for fifty minutes to get in to see Ep II, and then I couldn't get a seat because they were all saved *broods*), and I was just wondering if anyone wanted to join in a seat-stealers hunt with me. You know, track 'em down and make sure that they stop stealing seats from those of us that have watched the movies multiple times on ALL the copies of the videos they have(Original copy of "A New Hope," the full trilogy, the special edition trilogy, "Phantom Menace" in both letterbox and regular), and are obvious more devoted to the series. Any takers on my offer, or will I hunt them down myself? *hopeful look*  
  
Blade: I will devote an entire squadron of renovated Naboo Starfighters and a bunch of home-made Jedi Knights to your cause. You can have them after the show.  
  
Boba: I will join you as well, as long as I get paid for every seat-stealer head I get.  
  
Luke: (standing up) I'm with you too!  
  
Satine: IwillMarryLukeSkywalker!!! Has some questions…  
  
IwillMarryLukeSkywalker!!!: Luke: I love you. Will you marry me? I was a Mara Jade in a past life you know!! You're Hot! Hot! Hot!  
  
Luke: I Will Not Marry You IwillMarryLukeSkywalker. Sorry… it's a policy. I don't marry rabid fangirls, either.  
  
IwillMarryLukeSkywalker: Blade: Could you give this plate of homemade chocolate cookies? And could you get Mara Jade on your show?  
  
Satine: (gives the plate of cookies to Luke since Blade is unconscious again)  
  
Mara Jade: (walks into the room)  
  
Blade: (drunkenly) No killing my guest stars!  
  
IwillMarryLukeSkywalker: To Han: You're cute too. Aren't you happy that someone likes you? And the Falcon is not a junk bucket?  
  
Han: I'm confident in my cuteness.  
  
Satine: Now that Wicket is on the show, Andy has some questions.  
  
Andy: C3PO: Are Ewocs good dancers?  
  
C3P0: I think so.  
  
Andy: Wicket: Am I right that you are the only being on set that has appeared in a movie other than Star Wars, yet still in that same dimension/are/you know what I mean?  
  
Wicket: Rrr, Yub yub!  
  
C3P0: Master Wicket says 'yes'.  
  
Andy: Wicket:And if I am right (that u r only ones w/other movie thing), actually I don't care if I'm right. You guys rock! In your movies there was stuff cooler than the force like rings that can turn you into ravens. Giants and faeries too. MAGIC AND SORCERY ROCKS! Now what do you have to say to that celibate jedies?!  
  
Anakin: Celibate? We're not celibate. I guess you haven't heard what's under the Jedi Temple-  
  
Obi-Wan: Shh! We're not supposed to speak of that!  
  
Anakin: Oh… sorry master.  
  
Satine: (raises an eyebrow)  
  
Obi-Wan: Uh… can I explain later?  
  
Satine: All right… but I want an explanation.  
  
Obi-Wan: (sweatdrop)  
  
Andy: All Jedi on stage except Yoda and Anakin: Are you guys virgins? Luke this is directed at you in episode IV and it is directed at Obi-Wan if he had never done Moulin Rouge. Theoratically speaken.  
  
Luke: Yes, of course I'm a virgin! Owen and Beru never let me out of the house except to buy droids from the Jawas or get the droids fixed…  
  
Obi-Wan: If I haden't done Moulin Rouge, yes, I'm a virgin. I obey the Jedi laws.  
  
Palpatine: Do I count?  
  
Everyone: We don't want to know, Palpatine! (Shudders)  
  
Maul: I am not.  
  
Obi-Wan: Gee, there's a big surprise…  
  
The Voice of Qui-Gon: I'm not.  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o  
  
Mace: I am.  
  
Yoda: (snickers)  
  
Mace: What??  
  
Andy: Everyone: Did anything that I have been saying so far make sense?  
  
Everyone: No.  
  
Andy: Anakin and Amidala: Marrying your first love is sick. You don't know if someone else could be better for you. And if you do meet that "better" person you'll feel like you married shit compared to that person. Than there shall be emotional pain and maybe a depression or two. I think you guys should get a divorce and swim with other fish in the extremely large sea for a while. I think if Ani tried really hard he could get Carmen Electra as a wife.  
  
Anakin: Uh… no comment.  
  
Amidala: Me either… besides, don't I die in the next movie anyway?  
  
Andy: Yoda: Please make clones of your self so I can get a Yoda of my very own!  
  
Yoda: The only Yoda am I, yes!  
  
Satine: Next up is Lady Atheilen.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Han: Do you have Force-sensitivity? Every time you say you have a bad feeling about something, it turns out to be...well, bad.  
  
Han: I just have good instincts.  
  
Luke: What about that time on the Sail Barge when you shot the Sarlacc while blind?  
  
Han: (shrugs)  
  
Lady Atheilen: Ani and Obi: You're both so hot! *Turns into fangirl goo.*  
  
Anakin and Obi-Wan: We know.  
  
Blade: Fangirl goo… it's so hard to clean.  
  
Lady Atheilen: Satine: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THIS FIC?  
  
Satine: Well… I was brought here by Aleena Tarlana, brought back to life by Blade, and decided to fill in as hostess because I'm the only non-Star Wars character…  
  
Lady Atheilen: Leia: What's so great about Alderaan anyway?  
  
Leia: (cries) It was my hooooome!  
  
Lady Atheilen: Blade, just an idea, but you should bring Voldemort and Sauron in soon.  
  
Blade: Good idea…  
  
Luke: Has our hostess magically recovered from rabies?  
  
Blade: Yes. (steals microphone from Satine) hands of, sister.  
  
Satine: (sits down in a huff)  
  
Blade: Hmm… if you want Sauron and Voldemort, I'll give you Sauron and Voldemort! …and Qui-Gon, too. (unrolls the Magical Hostess Role-Sheet) Sauron, Voldemort, and Qui-Gon Jinn, you're all wanted in the Talkshow Tower!  
  
Sauron: (hovers in on his big, black, magical cloud)  
  
Voldemort: (apparates in a ball of black fire)  
  
Qui-Gon: (walks in nonchalantly)  
  
Maul: Even when I kill them, they come back…  
  
Qui-Gon: (walks over to Obi-Wan)  
  
Obi-Wan: Master! (runs forward)  
  
Qui-Gon: (passes Obi-Wan completely) Satine! How are you?  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o W-w-wha-  
  
Anakin: Ooo, burned…  
  
Blade: Muahah! I have my Microphone back… Lope! Ask your questions!  
  
Lope: 1. Anakin, you rock! Stay evil dont listen to these people! Also question how come ur braid mysteriously changes sides in the new film hmmm? And can i have ur light sabre or at least tell me how to make one , I have some person ( who is rumoured to be a distant relative of a tusken raider)b to massacre evily!!  
  
Anakin: The magic of special effects didn't quite extend to my hairstylist. And the art of Lightsabers is a closely-guarded Jedi secret. May I suggest you get a nice vibroaxe to finish your tusken friend off?  
  
Lope: 2.Why did no one think to murder Jar Jar tis totally obvious hes responsible for the creation of the empire!  
  
Everyone: Hmm… (looks towards Jar-Jar)  
  
Jar-Jar: (gulp)  
  
Lope: 3. This is not a question its an order, Obi wan SHAVE, u were so much more adorable in episode one, also leave Anakin alone, in fact bow down to his greatness!  
  
Obi-Wan: I bow to no one! And I won't shave. Although I don't respect my deceased master quite as much anymore… (Glare)  
  
Qui-Gon: Hmph.  
  
Blade: SingingMachine88 has a question.  
  
SingingMachine88: Anakin:Why are being so mean to everyone, even your family?? Not that I mind. It halarious and I love you!! By the way, the best part in Episode II is your five second shirtless scene!! Just thought I'd mention that!!  
  
Anakin: (shrugs modestly) being evil is what I do best-  
  
Blade: O.o shirtless scene?? I must see the movie! Gaaah! Ok, enough, calm down… (composes self) Next up is starla.  
  
Starla: Anakin: If you are ever in need of a dark mistress...*wink wink* You know where to look....  
  
Anakin: Under the Jedi temple?  
  
Amidala: (whacks Anakin over the head with a broom)  
  
Starla: Owen: I think you're SO hot...in a cool, farm-boy way. Want my number?  
  
Blade: Is that an Episode II question? Is Owen in Episode II?? Never mind… don't answer… I don't want to know! Darth Flirt, you're up.  
  
Darth Flirt: Anakin: Every girl is dying to know this: Boxers or Briefs?  
  
Anakin: Neither.  
  
Everyone but Amidala: O.o  
  
Darth Flirt: Anakin: Do whips, chains, and black leather mean anything to you? *wink, wink* *cough, cough*  
  
Anakin: Uh… pain? I may be the master of evil, but I don't go in for the whole… torture thing.  
  
Darth Flirt: Anakin and Padme: Do you have such as thing as force sex fridays?  
  
Both: O.o No!  
  
Darth Flirt: Luke: Why are you so whiney? Can it possibly be from Anakin's (only slightly whiney) DNA?  
  
Luke: Probably.  
  
Darth Flirt: Leia: Did Luke turn you on before you knew you were brother and sister? we are all wondering about that Hoth kiss... (which was with tongue I might add!)  
  
Leia: No! I was just trying to make Han jealous, honest!  
  
Darth Flirt: Darth Sidious: Can you take me as your evil appretice?!? I know all about evil things! And I can help you take over the universe better then Vader ever could! And we could give eachother make overs and paint our nails... (dizy laugh)  
  
Palpatine: Since Sidious isn't here at the moment… you can be my evil apprentice! You, me, Sauron, and Voldemort can paint our nails pretty colors!  
  
Voldemort: (giggles) I just got some raspberry blue polish!  
  
Sauron and Palpatine: Goody!  
  
Darth Flirt: Blade: Could ya bring Taun We on?  
  
Blade: No… because I have no clue who that is -.- That's all for today's talkshow, except for a few more guests… I just feel like bringing them on for the heck of it.  
  
(Old Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Vader, and Sebulba walk in)  
  
Obi-Wan and Anakin: O.o  
  
Blade: Hmm, this looks fun… (evil grin) Ta-ta, everybody! 


	10. Kill the Duke!

Blade: This talkshow promises to be a… very… interesting one. V Sorry it's so late, but I got a record number of reviews (and questions) so this took me a few days to write. I'm implementing a new policy: to save my aching fingers, reviewer names are gonna be abbreviated. Actually, I just implemented that because of our first reviewer's name ^^; Anywho, on with the gal-dang show!  
  
Harold: (pops out of nowhere and bellows) On with the show!  
  
Satine: (Sings) The show must go on!  
  
Blade: …-.- Do I have to kill you again?  
  
Satine: (gulps) no…  
  
Blade: Out of my talkshow tower, buddy! (shoves Harold out the door, then bolts the door shut) Gyuh, the things I put up wi-  
  
The Duke: (flies through the window)  
  
Blade: Gaah!!  
  
Obi-Wan: (dashes up, lightsaber in hand) Now I'll really kill you!  
  
Satine: Go, Obi, go!  
  
Everyone: Go, Obi, go!  
  
Blade: Wait!  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
The Duke: (coughs nervously)  
  
Blade: The lightsaber is too painless. We need to find a more… painful way of… disposing of the problem.  
  
Everyone: (grins viciously at The Duke)  
  
The Duke: (gulp)  
  
Blade: You (points finger at the quivering Duke) sit there (points at a chair, and the Duke sits in it, locked to it with very tight handcuffs)  
  
Everyone: Woo!  
  
Blade: Hmph. Now, if we can avoid further interruptions… The Homicidal MANIAC!! WANABE JEDI SITHY PERSON! You're up.  
  
The Homicidal MANIAC!! WANABE JEDI SITHY PERSON! (Homicidal): Anakin and Amidala: Who's the favorite of the twins? ever plan on having more babies? and why are your kids so screwed up!  
  
Amidala: I think I drank a few too many Tatooine Tankards when I was pregnant… eheh…  
  
Darth Vader: No, it was my genes. Muahahaaa!  
  
Anakin: O.o (backs away slowly)  
  
Palpatine: (giggles) You show him, Vader!  
  
Homicidal: Anakin: Loose Weight Lardo!!!! you sooo fat!!! and big!!!!!...why look at Vader!! he's a sexy skinny Pimp!!!  
  
Anakin: I am?? Wahaha, I'm faaat! (runs off to purge)  
  
Old Obi-Wan: Bulimia is not the way of the force!  
  
Homicidal: Darth Vader: How does it feel to see Anakin Skywalker. Do you hate him that much? because he was the weakling side. Can you have a saber fight with Anakin I vant ta see who wins. What do you think of Amidala?! Your dead Wife!!!  
  
Vader: It feels… strange to see my… younger… self. I do not hate myself. I hate Obi-Wan.  
  
Old Obi-Wan: (sticks his tongue out at Vader)  
  
Vader: I will fight myself as soon as I come back from the bathroom. And I think Amidala is still looking good, unlike me.  
  
Homicidal: Palpatine: Are you into Dr. Seuss?!  
  
Palpatine: I love Dr. Seuss! The Cat in the Hat is my favorite book of all time!  
  
Anakin: (walking back from the bathroom) I am not fat!  
  
Vader: (ignites lightsaber and goes after… himself O.o)  
  
Anakin: Gah! (dives under a chair)  
  
Homicidal: Amidala Anakin and Vader: Am I force-sensing a threesome (Grins)  
  
Amidala: (looks Vader up and down) I'm sensing… no.  
  
Homicidal: Yoda: WHy are you green? and why you talk funny?  
  
Yoda: Not easy it is, being green. Talk funny I do to confuse you, mmm, yes.  
  
Homicidal: Chewbacca: Are you really a Giant-Size Ewok?!  
  
Chewie: Rr.  
  
C3P0: Master Chewbacca says 'No, I'm a wookiee, a large tree-dwelling alien species from the planet Kashyyk.  
  
Homicidal: Old Obi-Wan: is there an Old Satine?!  
  
Old Obi-Wan: No, because Satine died when I was a young man. Therefor, ghost Satine is old Satine.  
  
Blade: You can't beat Old Obi logic…  
  
Homicidal: Jar-Jar: Are you an english teacher?!!  
  
Jar-Jar: Mesa no thinkin' so.  
  
Homicidal: Luke: Did you took my sammich?! how does it feel to have to Fathers BWhahahahhaah!!!!!!  
  
Luke: No, I took no sandwich. Uh… Buahaha?  
  
Homicidal: Leia: ALDEEEEERAAAAN!!! GOOO BOOOOOOOM!!?????  
  
Leia: Wahahaaaa! (sob)  
  
Homicidal: Blade: Can you bring Jango Fett on stage?!?! PLZ!!!  
  
Blade: No, 'cos I haven't seen Episode II yet… (Sniffles)  
  
Homicidal: To Obi-Wan: oh gawd I don't have money and I'm poor and I really need money. I've heard Jedi Academy takes care of their Padawans...So please Obi-Wan can I be your apprentice!??!?! I'm soo much better than Anakin I mean, I won't be gothic and I won't kill you. I promise!!!  
  
((jumps on stage pushing everyone aside and clings to Obi-wan's leg))  
  
PLEASE!! I NEED FOO-ERRR I NEED TO BE YOUR PADAWAN!!!...I CAN FEEL PALPATINE DOING AN EVIL SCHEME!!!...THE DARK SIDE IS CONSUMING ME!!! I MAY BE A SITH AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT...NOOOO!!! PALPY IS TAKING ME!!!...AND I'M COLOR BLIND!! AHH!!!!...HELP ME OBI-WAN BEN KENOBI YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!!!!!! I NEED FOOD!!!!!!! I NEED A BEER!!! WOOOOOOF!!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o uh, an apprentice I already have, impossible it is to take another! (wriggles away from Homicidal and hides under a chair with Anakin)  
  
Blade: Our next questioner is… a ferret O.o  
  
Psy the Ferret: To Blade: -pounce- MOULIN ROUGE. -luffs the Moulin Rouge-  
  
Blade: Yes, the Moulin Rouge is a lovely movie… O.o (puts the ferret back on the floor)  
  
Psy: To Blade: -eyes Jar Jar- Can I kill him? Please?  
  
Blade: Yes, after the talkshow.  
  
Jar-Jar: Mesa be thinkin' mesa need ta get mesa self outta thisun place!  
  
Psy: To Boba Fett: How is it possible for one character to KICK SO MUCH ASS??  
  
Fett: (shrugs)  
  
Psy: To Obi-wan: -curls around Obi-wan's ankle- Could you ever date a ferret? ^__^ I can shapeshift. But just date, marry Satine, but date me. Al is my future husband. Do not ask who Al is. Just date me until Al proposes. ^_______________^  
  
Obi-Wan: Uh… I don't think we Jedi Knights are allowed to date… besides, you're a… ferret.  
  
Blade: Here's MordorianNazgul again.  
  
MordorianNazgul: Luke: *hugs* Thankies. You're not so bad, you know.  
  
Luke: Why thank you (bow)  
  
Nazgul: Boba Fett: I would be pleased to have you on the hunt. You'll need to talk to Malarow about payment for it. *points to a red-haired jedi on her left*  
  
Fett: (nods at Malarow) I will speak to you after the show.  
  
Nazgul: To every Jedi in the building: Excuse the girl who's bothering the sith. For some reason, her brain doesn't work properly, and she doesn't like you. I'm very sorry.  
  
All the Jedi: Who wouldn't like us?? (tears)  
  
Maul: Wusses…  
  
Nazgul: Obi-Wan: Don't listen to Estal. I still think you're cute. *hugs*  
  
Obi-Wan: ^^ A lot of people do.  
  
Blade: Obi-Wan did the '^^' face! Aaa, kawaii!  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o;  
  
Blade: Eh, sorry. (composes self) Master Jemi, ask away!  
  
Master Jemi: Ben Kenobi: Why did you name yourself Ben???  
  
Old Obi-Wan: I needed to hide from Vader.  
  
Vader: (derisive snort) I knew who you were! 'Ben' isn't much of a secret name.  
  
Jemi: Darth Vader: I think u should use an inhaler. That's wat we use on planet Earth wen we dont have enough air. But my question is that Why DO you breath so hard???  
  
Vader: My mask is better than an inhaler. I do not breath hard, my breathing is merely amplified.  
  
Jemi: Ewan & Anakin: OMG OMG OMG I THINK BOTH OF U GUYZ ARE HOTT!! WILL U BOTH MARRY ME??? but anywayz How does it feel to meet your ownselves in the future?  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm really… old… when I get old.  
  
Anakin: I'm afraid of my future self.  
  
Vader: Anakin… I am you…  
  
Anakin: O.o  
  
Blade: Aleena Tarlana has a test for all of you.  
  
Luke: I'll speak for the Jedi.  
  
Vader: I shall speak for the Sith and bad guys.  
  
Jar-Jar: Nobody a-wantin' ta speaka with mesa?  
  
Everyone: NO!  
  
Aleena Tarlana: 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?  
  
Luke: (consults with the Jedi) It is physically impossible to put an giraffe in a normal fridge.  
  
Vader: Chop the giraffe into tiny pieces and use a garbage masher to make the pieces small.  
  
Jar-Jar: Open da fridge and put da giraffe insida!  
  
Aleena: right aswer: open the door, put the giraffe inside and close the door. this tests whether you tend to do things in an overly complicated way.  
  
Sebulba: Well, we know why the gungan got it right… he's too simple to think normally.  
  
Aleena: 2. how do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?  
  
Luke: Uh… open the fridge and put the elehpant in?  
  
Vader: Eat the elephant, then put a piece into the refrigerator.  
  
Jar-Jar: Open da fridge, taken da giraffe out, put da elephant in, den closen da doors!  
  
Aleena: wrong aswere: open the door, put the elepnant inside, close the door.  
  
right answer: open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the elepnat, close the door. *This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.*  
  
Luke: …-.-  
  
Aleena: 3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?  
  
Luke: The… lion… king?  
  
Vader: The pitiful sheep that we killed.  
  
Luke: What sheep??  
  
Vader: (burp)  
  
Jar-Jar: Da elephanty! Hesa in da fridge!  
  
Aleena: Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.  
  
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities  
  
Luke: -.-  
  
Aleena: 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?  
  
Luke: I know this! Use the Force!  
  
Vader: Blow the planet up. Then there will be no river.  
  
Jar-Jar: Just swim across! Da crocodilees besa at da conferencia!  
  
Aleena: Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting *this tests your memory*  
  
Luke: Aww…  
  
Jar-Jar: Wahoo! (dances)  
  
Vader: (Eats another sheep)  
  
Blade: Skyblazer has a few questions.  
  
Skyblazer: Sibulba: Why are you so ugly?  
  
Sebulba: Do I have to come over there and rip your tongue out? (growl)  
  
Blazer: Anakin: Do you think you would've become evil if Qui-Gon was your master?  
  
Anakin :Why yes… yes I would have.  
  
Qui-Gon: …  
  
Blazer: Sauron: If you're into nail polish *vomits* then does that mean I can possess the Ring? *evil grin*  
  
Sauron: No! It goes well with my pretty-gold polish.  
  
Blazer: Luke: First of all, Luke is such a dull name compared to some other names such as ... Yoda! Right! I mean, I'm not going to ramble on your name, but I guess the name fits a dull kind o' character ...  
  
Luke: Hey! I like my name!  
  
Yoda: The point, that is.  
  
Luke: …  
  
Blazer: Obi-Wan: How come your hair changes from dark brown and then it starts lightening up to a blondish whitish brownish color?  
  
Old and younger Obi-Wan: Age.  
  
Blazer: Satine: Uh, when are you going to return to the dead world?  
  
Satine: At the end of this talkshow, I think. I'll be sure to kick the Duke into the fires of hell when I go.  
  
The Duke: (sweatdrop)  
  
Blazer: Amidala: If you were one of the youngest Queens of Naboo, then how come you did such a good job of protecting yoru country?  
  
Amidala: I'm just gifted, I guess  
  
Old Obi-Wan: (with mild sarcasm) and modest, too.  
  
Blazer: Blade: Hey, could you continue that Watto X Anakin story?  
  
Blade: O.o no! That was just a threat! Watto/Anakin… (gag) Torre degli Angeli, you're the weakest link. J/k, you're actually just the next questioner (Wow, these intros are getting bad -.-)  
  
Torre degli Angeli: Obi-Wan from Ep 1 & 2: Um... Mister Kenobi? You're my absolute FAVORITE character! I love you!!! *hugs Obi-Wan* You rule! And DON'T shave, cos you're sooo adorable in Eppie 2! I won't ask you to marry me, but can I have an signed poster? *pulls out HUGE Obi-Wan poster* Pretty please?  
  
Obi-Wan: Uh… sure. (takes out a gigantic pen and signs the massive poster)  
  
Angeli: Han: You're hot too, you know that? Can you sign my poster of you? *pulls out Han poster* Please? You know, I think human pilots are hot. Well... except...  
  
Han: Hey, my poster's smaller!  
  
Vader: Is that an indication of some sort?  
  
Han: …-.- (signs the poster)  
  
Angeli: Anakin: DIE!!! I HATE YOU ANAKIN!!! ...But you know, I have a cousin who's desperately in love with you. Would ya like to meet her?  
  
Anakin: No… I think I've had enough of rabid fangirls for one lifetime.  
  
Angeli: Luke and Ani: Mmm... would 'death to all Skywalkers except Padme and Mara Jade' be fit for this occasion?  
  
Luke: (sweatdrop) No, I don't think so. (pastes a big picture of himself on the Duke's face, then puts on a wookiee mask) Kill that guy there!  
  
The Duke: Eep!  
  
Angeli: Jar-Jar: You're my FOURTH favorite character, Jar-Jar. But how'd you become a representative, anyway?  
  
Jar-Jar: (shrugs) Mesa dunno.  
  
Angeli: R2: You're so cute, R2! And you're a droid, too. Isn't that weird?  
  
1 R2D2: (modestly) #$**%@#  
  
Angeli: 3PO: BURN!!! DIE!!! WHATEVER!!!  
  
C3P0: I sense some hostility.  
  
Angeli: Blade: Can you bring a Jawa or two onstage? I love those little guys.  
  
Blade: Sure. (leads a bunch of Jawas onstage)  
  
Jawas: (start picking the stage apart)  
  
Blade: Hey! (puts the Jawas in a cage)  
  
Angeli: Boba Fett: BOUNTY HUNTERS RULE!!! *hugs Boba* You are soooo awesome! (But not as awesome as Kenobi and Han.) Can you teach me the ways of the bounty hunter? Can you sign a poster too? And can I have your blaster? Thanks! *shoots C-3P0, Anakin, and Luke, but missed the humans* Darn...  
  
Fett: MY blaster! (takes back blaster and signs the poster) and a hunter never reveals his secrets.  
  
Angeli: Yoda: Teach me the ways of the Jedi, Master! ...Please? Yeah, bounty hunter and Jedi combined? That's tough... Anyway... please?  
  
Yoda: Too old are you! Too old to begin the training.  
  
Old Obi-Wan: Ask Qui-Gon. He trains everyone.  
  
Luke: I sense some hostility…  
  
Blade: We have a Jedi-hater on now… I think this is who MordorianNAgul was talking about O.o  
  
Estal Raddelkal: I have a question for Darth Maul. How can you bear the fact that you were killed by a complete and total idiot who turns out to be uglier in Episode II which I thought wasn't physically impossible? *refering to Obi-Wan* I mean, sheesh, oh, I need to thank you for killing Qui-Gon as well. *Is an obvious hater of all Jedi's and could go on interragating (Sp?) the poor sith all day but will just stick with one question* And by the by, everyone may think I'm wierd and fangirls may kill me but I think you look way better looking than any of the other characters especially the must turned into goo over Obi-Wan and Anikan...  
  
Maul: (modestly) I'm glad you appreciate my talents.  
  
All the Jedi: (sulk)  
  
Maul: Nyaa nyaa! (pulls down eyelid)  
  
Blade: Ebony has a few questions.  
  
Ebony: Young Obi-Wan: My God that you are one sexy man!! I love your voice. And actually everything else about you, but you could have leaved the braid and the ponytail on, damn it! Just wanted you to know that. Braid-boy. Oh and BTW, you sing beautifully. *winks*  
  
Obi-Wan: Braid-boy??  
  
Satine: Braid-boy??  
  
Blade: Obi-Wan is going to perform for everyone right after this talkshow (malicious grin)  
  
Obi-Wan: I never agreed to that!  
  
Blade: Too bad for you  
  
Obi-Wan: …  
  
Ebony: Han & Leia: You are the hottest couple in the whole SW-universe, ya know. But you really should tone that bickering down, you love each other. Why else would Han been so jealous to Lando when he kissed Leia' hand on Cloud City? And when he came to get Leia from the command center on Hoth? Need I go on? *Grins*  
  
Han: Hmm, maybe she's right, maybe we should tone the bickering down.  
  
Leia: I think that's a good idea. (Gives Han a big smooch)  
  
Blade: No smooching on my talkshow!  
  
Ebony: Yoda: I just wanted to know if you were smoking something on Dagobah? Maybe the future seemed clouded 'cause you were high on something  
  
Yoda: High on spice I was. Gave me my visions it did, yes.  
  
Ebony: Luke: Could you PLEASE quit being such a whining pussy! Nobody likes a whiner.  
  
Luke: (Whines) but I'm not a whiner!  
  
Ebony: Maul: Ever considered washing your teeth? Oh well, my friend still worships you. She's set up an altar for you, so maybe you're not that bad after all.  
  
Maul: Black teeth are scarier than white ones.  
  
Blade: Here's our next reviewer, Va-  
  
Dragonlet: MAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!! MARRY ME!!!!  
  
-runs over and latches on to his neck and starts kissing him-  
  
sorry obi-wan, but i looooooove his voice. Blade, can I have him when this is over??? PWEEAASE???  
  
Maul: O.o  
  
All the Jedi: (laugh and point)  
  
Blade: Yes, you can have him after the show.  
  
Maul: o.O;  
  
Blade: Now on to Val, with a sandcrawler-full of questions. Oh, my aching fingers…  
  
Val: Voldemort: Just WHY are you so obssessed with Harry?! He ain't done nuthin to you! Your soul being ripped off from your body is caused by your own stupidity!  
  
Voldemort: I will kill the boy! Muahahaaa! (hack hack cough)  
  
Val: Miss Celebare: How come you couldn't watch Episode II? If you couldn't go to a cinema, just buy a pirated VCD, for cripe's sake! Much cheaper too! And...er...who's Sauron anyway?!  
  
Blade: I'll see the movie soon enough… -.- and Sauron is the Dark Lord of the Lord of the Rings series. One ring to rule them all! (waves a 'One Ring' flag around)  
  
Val: Leia: Heehee...sorry 'bout that Alderaan thing.... Just needed something to vent my frustrations off...(My little sister's at it again! She wouldn't leave me alone! And hitting her is pointless, 'cause she'll just retaliate without mercy...and I take the blame if a bruise or scratch is made...damn...hate it if you're the eldest!)  
  
Leia: I'm the eldest by two minutes.  
  
Amidala: Actually, Luke's the eldest by two minutes.  
  
Luke: Wohoo!  
  
Leia: -.-  
  
Val: R2D2: Aren't you sick and tired of putting up with Threepio? I mean, he's an annoying prick!  
  
R2D2: #$%&%^@!!!  
  
C3P0: Watch your language!  
  
Val: Chewbacca: Doesn't it frustrate you that you couldn't speak english?  
  
Chewie: Rrowwww! (bangs on the desk in frustration)  
  
Val: Maul: Do you know that I had a nightmare the night after I watched Episode I?  
  
Maul: Excellent… (rubs hands together) Muahaha…  
  
Val: Voldemort: I know that you're Slytherin's Heir, but puh-lees! I know that he favors serpentine qualities, but you're taking it too far! He didn't mean that you should look like a snake! And if you're the most powerful wizard, why are you afraid of Dumbledore anyway?  
  
Voldemort: I'm not afraid of that big meany! (pouts)  
  
Sauron: There there, it's all right…  
  
(A Hobbit randomly walks by)  
  
Sauron: Eep! (clings to Voldemort)  
  
Val: Anakin: Why the hell did you give Old Ben over there a quick, painless death?! You should have cut off a limb or two or something, jab him on harmless places and then put your lightsaber through him!  
  
Vader: I did the best job I could, under the circumstances.  
  
Anakin: Hey, that was my question!  
  
Vader: So?  
  
Val: Amidala: Isn't your headdress back in Episode I heavy?! And where did the Jewel of Zenda end up anyway?!  
  
Amidala: I have strong neck muscles, and I ate it. (burp)  
  
Val: Han: When did you start being a smuggler anyway?!  
  
Han: When I was five… I smuggled cookies.  
  
Val: To all guest stars: If given a choice, what would you be: magical or force sensitive?  
  
Luke: The Force is better than any stupid magic!  
  
Voldemort: Take that back ya liddle muggle!  
  
Luke: Nyaa, why should I?  
  
Obi-Wan: I side with Luke.  
  
(A bunch of random wizards pop in) The Force sucks!  
  
All the Jedi: (break out their lightsabers)  
  
Draco Malfoy: Bar fight!  
  
Blade: Draco-chan! (glomps Draco)  
  
Draco: O.o  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Blade: o.o (coughs politely) Sorry about that. (shoes all the wizards out of the room)  
  
Val: Anakin: You know, when I first saw you on a trailer while I was watching TV, the first thought that came into my head was: Oh shit, he's so drop-dead gorgeous! Especially the time when you slaughtered those Tusken Raiders! You looked downright *murderous*! Ah...! So sexy! Padme's lucky... ::sigh:: (please note that I'm not a very girly person and the reaction above is very rare for me. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones, Anakin Skywalker, aka Hayden Christensen!)  
  
Anakin: I tend to have good luck with the girls.  
  
Blade: I think you look like a fuzz ball.  
  
Anakin: O.o  
  
Rabid Fangirls: (attack Blade)  
  
Blade: Gyah! (beats them off with sticks) Away!  
  
Val: Voldemort: Who came up with the Dark Mark anyway?! It's downright ugly!  
  
Voldemort: Me and Auron devised it. It's downright scary!  
  
Val: Qui-Gon: Did you notice that both you and your padawan both have names with a hyphen on it? Is it just coincidence or does that mean something?  
  
Qui-Gon: I think it's just a coincidence.  
  
Val: Luke: How did it feel being the leader of your squadron? And where the heck did you come up with that name anyway?  
  
Luke: What, Rogue Squadron or just squadron? I love my X-wing… (Sigh)  
  
Val: Anakin: Did you love the music video of 'Lady Marmalade'? And who do you think is the sexiest: Christina, Mya, Pink, Lil' Kim or Padme?  
  
Anakin: That video is great… ah… and I think Christina-  
  
Amidala: (growl)  
  
Anakin: Uh, Padme is the sexiest.  
  
Val: Voldemort: I just want to verify this: Do you have an affair with Palpatine?  
  
Voldemort: (cries) It's true! Yes I do!  
  
Val: Anakin: Do you like your name?  
  
Anakin: No… not really.  
  
Val: Yoda: Is your species extinct? If so, how did they die out?  
  
Yoda: It was a comet.  
  
Val: To all the Jedi: If you could choose the color of you lightsaber (any color, it could be rainbow-colored for all I care) what would it be?  
  
Luke: I like my saber… I built it myself! (little-kid grin)  
  
Obi-Wan and old Obi-Wan: We like blue. Uh… I like blue. Whatever.  
  
Vader: Red… blood… muahaha…  
  
Maul: I would prefer a black saber.  
  
Qui-Gon: I tried to get an orange one, but they wouldn't let me.  
  
Mace: Purple is a nice color.  
  
Yoda: Rainbow, I would like.  
  
Val: Anakin: Do you feel insulted or complimented if you were called arrogant in front of your face?  
  
Anakin: Uh… complimented.  
  
Val: Voldemort: Is that your natural eye color or are those contacts?  
  
Voldemort: They're contacts.  
  
Val: Old Obi-Wan: How does it feel to be in front of your younger counter- part?  
  
Old Obi-Wan: I was quite good-looking as a youth.  
  
Blade: Thank god… I think we're halfway through… Andy, you're up.  
  
Andy: Anakin & Obi-Wan: What is exactly under the Jedi couincil?  
  
Obi-Wan: How can I put this lightly… ever seen the Moulin Rouge? IT's sort of like that, only minus the dancing and flashy lights. And there is no Elephant.  
  
Blade: There is no spoon…  
  
Anakin: O.o  
  
Andy: Voldemort: Was Hitler an inspiration to you? 'Cause in the books you remind me of him.  
  
Voldemort: Hitler was crueler than I will ever be.  
  
Andy: Vader: Can you please say 'Luke, I am your father"? It would men a lot to me.  
  
Vader: Sure. (creepy voice) Luke, I am your father…  
  
Andy: Amidala: Did you lose your virginity to Anakin?  
  
Amidala: Yes.  
  
Andy: R2D2: STOP CURSING!  
  
R2D2: #$%*$@!$#! !@$##$^$%!  
  
Andy: Han: Congrats all the way dude. You were the only guy in the original trilogy who actually was in good movies after Star Wars.  
  
Han: Thank you.  
  
Obi-Wan: What? Moulin Rouge and Black Hawk Down were great movies!  
  
Andy: Blade: PLEASE see episode 2. I NEED TO ASK QUESTIONS! And why haven't you anyway?  
  
Blade: Uh… not allowed to… -.-  
  
Andy: Satine: Who designes you clothes?  
  
Satine: I did.  
  
Andy: youngObi-Wan: Do you have any balls what so ever? You seem so weak and scared. I really like you, but I want to be protected NOT the other way around.  
  
Obi-Wan: O.o I'm very brave!  
  
Andy: Everyone: Can someone give Obi-Wan some backbone?  
  
Sauron: (jams a big backbone up Obi-Wan's shirt)  
  
Obi-Wan: Owwww!  
  
Andy: Sauron: I have nothing to complain about you. You are the perfect evil villian ever.  
  
Sauron: Why thank you. (Evil cackle)  
  
Blade: six more to go… Sabre, you're up. And thanks for the Starbursts.  
  
Sabre: *drools over Anakin* Why must all the cute guys be Jedi or married? ....or both? o.O Hmm? *glares at Amidala*  
  
Maul: I'm cute and I'm not a Jedi.  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Sabre: To whoever knows: Where did Mara Jade come in, in the Star Wars series? She's a mystery to me, cos she wasn't in the movies..  
  
Blade: I think she appeared first in Timothy Zhan's first SW trilogy of books… the one with The Last Command as the final book.  
  
Sabre: Qui Gon: Why are you bein mean to Obi-Wan?? *glare*  
  
Qui-Gon: I'm not! I'm just… disciplining him.  
  
Sabre: And to Palpatine: o.O just... o.O  
  
Palpatine: (eats a Godiva chocolate) (giggle)  
  
Blade: Here's MordorianNazgul again.  
  
Nazgul: Obi and Anakin: How does it feel being in the same room with your older selves?  
  
Anakin: Like I said earlier, I'm afraid of myself.  
  
Obi-Wan: I become very wise and respected. Yeah!  
  
Nazgul: Vader and Old Obi: How does it feel being in the same room with your younger selves?  
  
Old Obi-Wan: I was an idiot to take Anakin on as an apprentice.  
  
Obi-Wan: Hey!  
  
Vader: I am a wuss. Wait a minute…  
  
Nazgul: Sebula: What are your thoughts of being beaten at Podracing by a little kid that grows up to be the most evil man the galaxy?  
  
Sebulba: At least he amounted to something. I'm not so ashamed anymore. But I still want to kill the little runt!!  
  
Nazgul: Qui-Gon: How much the lightsaber going into your gut hurt, exactly?  
  
Qui-Gon: It was possibly the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It hurt. A lot.  
  
Nazgul: Maul: Don't you just hate it when victims come back from the dead?  
  
Maul: Yes. It makes me very angry.  
  
Nazgul: All: Are you sick of me yet?  
  
All: NO!  
  
Blade: Secret7, you're on. And here's Kyle Katarn, even though I don't know much about him -.-  
  
Secret7: Luke: Hey. You are a COOL guy. Look at the other guest stars (except R2 and Kyle)! They are all against you! Here's an assualt cannon, a cunncusion rifle, 3 blasters, IM mines, A reapeter gun and some cheese. GO NOW!!! KILL THEM ALLLLLLLL! Muawahahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha... (stops to breath) hahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!  
  
Luke: I will rain doom upon your filthy doomed heads! Muahahahahaaaa!  
  
Blade: (takes the weapons away) Be a good boy and sit, Luke.  
  
Luke: (meekly) Yes, miss writer, ma'am.  
  
Secret7: To Kyle: I think you could kick every single jedi's A**! GO NOW! KILLLLL them ALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!  
  
Kyle: I will… after the show.  
  
Secret7: To Blade: It's a conspiracy. You know it! KILL JAR JAR BEFORE HE KILLS YOU!  
  
Blade: I will, after the show.  
  
Jar-Jar: (gulp) Mesa be berry afwaid.  
  
Blade: You're on, Felicia.  
  
Felicia: Yoda: How's living on Dagobah?  
  
Yoda: Wet and slimy it is, yes.  
  
Felicia: Palpatine: You are an ugly lizard! You have more wrinkles than Cher would have without any plastic surgery! You aren't a politician you are a crazy maniac! Kill yourself and don't bother us anymore! And you've something going on with that Jade!  
  
Jade: (repulsed)  
  
Palatine: (cries)  
  
Felicia: Luke: You should listen to your father. He knows that Jade better than you do. Do you know how many people she has killed?  
  
Luke: Do you know how many people I've killed?  
  
Felicia: Vader/Anakin: Could you please "persuade" Jade to leave Luke alone? And could you tell Luke how many people she has killed?  
  
Vader: I do not meddle in my son's affairs.  
  
Anakin: Jade's hot. Go for it, Luke!  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Felicia: Amidala: Could you please "persuade" Jade to leave Luke alone?  
  
Amidala: Leave Luke alone.  
  
Jade: No.  
  
Amidala: Ok.  
  
Felicia: Sebulba: How does it feel to lose against the Chosen One?  
  
Sebulba: It hurts me deeply.  
  
Felicia: Qui - Gon: Please come back! *sniffs* Obi - Wan is so clue - and helpless without you.  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, I know, but I'm… dead. I can't come back. Besides, if I did I'd miss Bingo.  
  
Blade: biblehermione, ask away  
  
Biblehermione: Anakin/Vader: How in the universe did you/y'all get so TALL?!  
  
Vader: Milk, it does a body good.  
  
Biblehermione: Voldemort, Palpatine,Sauron,Maul,Vader:Do all of you like pink,sequins, glitter, and Barbies?  
  
Voldemort, Palpatine, and Sauron: (giggle) Yes!  
  
Maul and Vader: (gag)  
  
Biblehermione: Qui-Gon:What's your opinion on war? And also, do you like beanbag chairs?  
  
Qui-Gon: War is wrong, and beanbag chairs RULE!  
  
Biblehermione: Oni-Wan,Anakin: Don't be scared of the fangirls. *huggle*  
  
Obi-Wan: A Jedi must not know fear.  
  
Biblehermione: Amidala, Leia: Don't be scared of the fangirls who want you dead. *huggle*  
  
Leia: No one really wants me dead…  
  
Amidala: I have two big, strong Jedi to protect me. Who's scared?  
  
Biblehermione: Wicket:Your so adorable! May I hug you? (If yes, *BIG huggle*)  
  
Wicket: Yub yub!  
  
Blade: I think Wicket likes hugs.  
  
Biblehermione: This is to MordorianNazgul: I'd like to join that force thing too!  
  
Blade: Woo! Let's go kill the seat-stealers!  
  
Biblehermione: To Everyone: I brought you all homemade hot chocolate and homemade double chocolate cookies!  
  
Everyone: We love you, biblehermione!  
  
Blade: Last reviewer… phew.  
  
Darth Flirt: Blade: Will you finally see Episode II so that we can ask questions from that!?!?!?!  
  
Blade: Soon… I hope -.-  
  
Flirt: Vader: What did it feel like to fall into a pit of lava?  
  
Vader: It hurt. A lot.  
  
Flirt: Palpatine: Where can I attend a 'How to laugh like a dark lord' seminar? My evil laugh is very inadiquite.  
  
Palpatine: Just contact your local Bad Guys Anon, or go to laughlikeamaniac.com  
  
Flirt: Vader: What ever posessed you to admit that you were Luke's father? And what were you on when you asked him if he would join you? Sheesh... who would *want* to be on the same side as Luke?  
  
Vader: If he could be turned, he would be a powerful ally.  
  
Blade: Ah… end of the chapter… this thing was 21-freakin-pages long! Anywho, I have a new question for you reviewers. How should the Duke die? We need something painful and gory. 


End file.
